The Karofsky Diaries
by thewallsofjerico
Summary: In the wake of a personal crisis, David Karofsky starts a video diary detailing all of his encounters with one, Kurt Hummel. Kurt watches the videos over time and we see his reactions, but what has happened to Dave? R:T for Language
1. Chapter 1

**OK, this is something I'd been playing around with in my head. I thought of it a long time ago after reading an interview where Max Adler was talking about how Dave might commit suicide. I don't remember if he was asked, or if he brought it up, but I knew I didn't want to write another sad, suicide story for Dave. I hate when Dave dies, or tries to die and I can't bring myself to end it like that. So this is another take; a different avenue that I've yet to explore. I decided to write it while I was working on part 2 of Senior Year; A Kurtofsky Chronicle. It's short and all of the chapters will be divided into two parts: the video diary of David Karofsky and the real-time life of Kurt Hummel –the latter being his interactions and conversations with the other characters as well as his dealing with the videos.**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**One**

**[Rec.]**

2010/10/26

0:00:03

_The screen, still black, shakes and there is the sound of shuffling as someone adjusts the camera. Finally a blurry hand uncovers the lens and the screen gradually adjusts to show a nervous David Karofsky staring into it, his hazel eyes gazing forward with a mix of fear and confusion._

[Deep breathing]

0:01:13

I don't know why I'm even doing this. Fuck. This is stupid.

_The boy fiddles with his hands, rubbing them together and interlacing his fingers as he looks on nervously._

0:01:45

[Mumbles inaudibly]

_He pauses and stares straight into the camera with determined eyes. His hands clasp together, shaking and he takes a deep breath, unclenching them and rubbing his sweaty palms on the knees of his slightly worn blue jeans._

0:02:34

[Exhales shakily]

I- I don't know what I'm doing. I just need –I want to get a few things off my chest.

[Clears throat]

God, I fucking hope no one ever sees this –especially you… K- Kurt. I'm a fucking idiot. I know. I… I don't know… I have no fucking clue, fuck… I hate you. I want to hate you.

_The boy's face contorts from rage that instantly turns to sorrow._

0:03:14

I don't hate you, I could never…. Why do you have to be… Why…

[Breath shudders] _Karofsky's lips quake as he takes a shuddering breath, a single tear rolling down the left side of his face into the corner of his mouth._

[Grunts and clears throat] _He licks the place where the tear fell and hastily wipes his face._

0: 05:01

I love you… Oh GOD, I FUCKING LOVE YOU!

[Sobbing] _Tears streamed down the large boy's face. His whole body shook and shuddered as he gasped for breath between sobs. Stains began appearing on his charcoal gray sweatshirt and his eyes were puffy and red._

0: 14:21

I can't be a fucking homo. I can't… you… why the hell is this happening to me? What did you do to me? Why..? Why can't I stop? Why won't it go away? What the hell is happening to me?

_Karofsky shakes his head and looks about to cry again. His large frame comes closer to the camera and soon all that can be seen is his left pant leg. The camera shakes again. There is a sudden noise and the screen goes black._

* * *

><p>Kurt Hummel pops the top of a can of Dr. Pepper. Normally he would be drinking diet, but today his nerves required a stronger fix. As the fizzy liquid runs down his throat he closes his eyes, seeing the video again.<p>

"Excuse me," someone says as they pass by him before even waiting for him to move. He huffs and shakes his head, too tired to care. All around him is the hustle and bustle of Lima: cars passing noisily, children laughing ceaselessly in a nearby park, birds chirping insanely overhead –God make it stop!

He drains the last of the dregs in the can and tosses it in the bin marked For: Aluminum before heading inside through sliding doors. Inside it's cool and white, the walls and floors scrubbed clean. People sit around staring blankly at everything; other people, their hands, pictures in magazines, the television screen, nothing.

Someone coughs and Kurt turns around, walking to the waiting room. He sits by himself, ignoring the others. He can feel them staring at him; their eye's boring holes into the side of his head. He can't even look at them. His face is emotionless, but his eyes would give him away.

They were dry now, at least, but one look at the red and puffy lids, the green around the usually glasz retinas, and they would know he'd been crying. It was all too emotional right now for them to be worrying about him. He looks up at the large tiles of the dropped ceiling wondering how he'd gotten to this point.

Things had been going fine with David. He was making so much progress. And now… now he was…

Fresh tears streamed down Kurt's otherwise emotionless face. He wiped them absentmindedly and continued to stare at the ceiling, but all he saw was the other boy's face.

**I know it's short, but this was just a tryout; something I'd been thinking about for a little while now and decided to finally write down. Bear with me; I promise it'll make sense sooner or later. In the meantime, I'd love some feedback! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's another chapter! All of these will be a bit short, but they'll be out more frequently than I did with the other stories. Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Two**

**[Rec.]**

2010/10/28

_Camera shakes again. The image on the screen is blurry until the camera settles. The image begins to focus and turns out to be the pattern on Dave Karofsky's shirt. The boy sits down on a bed, the room around him tidy; the posters on the wall depicting different hockey players and half naked women, most of them in beach scenes. The curtains were drawn, but a slit of light cut through the darkness of the room like a knife. Dave's face was dimly lit by the light from the computer screen._

00:01:00

[Clears throat]

So, I'm trying this again… I… kind of freaked out last time. I'll probably delete it or something. Shit… I… oh who the fuck cares? No one's gonna see this shit.

_Dave moves closer, sitting on the edge of his bed. He stares straight into the camera, his eyes bright and watery._

00:02:05

I have no freaking clue why Hummel gets to me so much. I know what I said, but it was bullshit. I. Do. Not. Love. Kurt. Hummel. I can't… I'm not gay, I'm just… I'm confused. It's a fucking phase. I just probably got too close to him or something. I heard you could catch it… gay, I mean…

_He shakes his head and pauses. His eyes drop their gaze for mere moments before they're back on the camera._

00:05:01

He thinks he's so great –walking around like he owns the place… like he's a fucking piece of art. That's why people hate him. Doesn't he know it's not cool to be a … f- fag… Meanwhile, he goes and wears those ridiculous clothes and fucking boots! Who the fuck does that? Even the girls don't do that kind of shit, but Princess Fancy-pants Hummel thinks he's such a fucking diva! I can't wait until he gets his. Fuck I'd love to…

[Sighs]

I just wish he'd stop. He's a fucking joke… and shit… I can't even say enough about how stupid he was for joining that fucking homo club. Who the fuck wants to listen to a bunch of losers sing fucking show tunes? He's only making it harder on himself. Damn… why can't I stop talking about him?

00:07:16

Lopez should be head cheerleader. She's hotter than that Fabray Girl… Fucking Hudson thinks he's the shit and his girl's such a bitch. Or is he with that Berry girl? She'd be cute if she didn't open her mouth. She's got two dads right? Fuck.

_The large jock slams his fist into his mattress; the thump was muffled, but still audible. He rubs his eyes and puts his head in his hands. He's huddled over breathing hard._

00:09:15

[Chuckles]

Can't fucking get the queers out of my head… Maybe I am a homo after all…

_The boy shakes his head and gets up, walking toward the screen and with a click, turns off the camera._

* * *

><p>"Kurt," a voice behind him says. "Are you hungry?"<p>

He shakes his head and continues to stare into the speckled ceiling tiles. It's like he's searching for some meaning; some kind of sign from them.

A phone goes off at the front desk and Kurt turns his attention to the receptionist; a plump blonde with too much makeup on for a place like this. He can't even understand what she's saying. He just watches her lips move, fascinated by the clicking of her teeth and wondering if they clean the phones off?

"Kurt," says the voice, he can't tell who's; it doesn't matter anyway… "I know you're going through a rough time, but I think you should eat. I haven't seen you finish a meal in days."

"I'm fine," he says without so much as glancing away from the blonde. _Nope they don't…_ he thinks as she hangs up the germ-coated receiver and clicks her teeth before resuming her perusal of a home and gardens magazine.

"That's disgusting…" he says faintly.

The person beside him sighs and gets up. He can hear the footsteps fading away as the person crosses to the other side of the room. He can't feel right now; not even hunger. Dave is…

Why did he start watching those videos? What good were they doing him now, after so much time? What good were they doing Dave? He sighs and finds new interest in people's shoes. He used to like shoes. A lady across from him is wearing white flats with an ambiguous geometric pattern created from holes in the toes.

Kurt looked down at his own Calvin Klein Barker Boots, neatly polished and reflecting the stale light of the small waiting room. His eyes snap to the door when he hears the handle click. It's no one. He sighs and looks across the room. Who had been talking to him? They were all talking to each other: Rachel, Finn, and Mercedes; Azimio with Puck; Burt with Paul Karofsky.

_Dad with Paul Karofsky... Dad with Paul… Paul… Karofsky… David…_

**I know it's a bit boring right now, but it'll pick up! (I hope) Please let me know what you think! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	3. Chapter 3

**This is a tough series for me, but I have to keep plugging away. Please let me know what you guys think. I'd love to hear what you think about Dave and bullies in general. I know there are some strong opinions, but I think it might help me with writing this fic and with people coming to terms with their own experiences. Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Three**

**[Rec.]**

2010/10/31

_The camera clicks and instantly focuses on Dave Karofsky sitting on his bed. The boy grins and waves a small plastic remote._

00:00:12

Found the damn remote.

[Chuckles]

00:00:16

I guess I should say Happy Halloween. Everybody dressed up today.

_The boy gestures to his own costume: a black pirate's outfit with a skull and bones decorated hat lying in his lap. He fiddles with it nervously._

Hummel wore the same fucking thing. Of course, his was all gayed up… fucking skinny, tight pants and a blouse –a fucking blouse! I was so disgusted I couldn't even slushie him right… I fucking missed. Z is all on my ass about always missing. He thinks I do it on purpose –as if I'd have a problem icing that freak!

_Karofsky pauses and throws the hat across the room where it lands on his dresser. Then he takes off his shirt and tosses it on the floor before getting up and walking to his closet. He rummages for a moment before emerging with a light blue polo and pulling it on over his head. He ruffles his hair and sits back down on the bed._

00:03:56

The fairy makes me fucking sick. I can't stop thinking about him. He's… he's turning me into a f- fag… Z would fuck me up if he knew… Hummel… Fucking Hummel! I mean if I _was_ gay I could do better than Kurt fucking Hummel! Fuck…

[Chuckles]

00:04:52

Could I though..? He'd probably be the only one who'd even look at me… I could always make him… he's such a fucking pussy… no… I- I… I can't…

_The boy hangs his head and fiddles with the hem of his shirt. He lays down on his bed and his face is hidden. His chest rises and falls rapidly._

[Heavy breathing]

00:07:25

I can't fucking stop thinking about the little homo! He's invading my fucking dreams! He's everywhere I look… I can… I can smell him… I can almost… taste… fuck!

_He slaps his palm on his face._

[Groans]

00:08:13

This can't fucking be happening to me. I refuse to be a fucking queer! I HATE HUMMEL AND I FUCKING WANT TO MAKE HIM PAY FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THIS! WHO THE FUCK DOES HE THINK HE IS? HE'S NOT CUTE; FUCKING PRANCING AROUND IN HIS SHITTY CLOTHES LIKE A GIRL! WHO FUCKING DOES THAT TYPE OF BULLSHIT?

[Heavy breathing]

_Karofsky sits up on the bed. His eyes stare maliciously into the camera._

00:10:42

I'm gonna make him wish he was never born… I'm gonna make his life a living hell; make him regret ever becoming a fucking queer. Watch out Hummel… cause I'm gonna slam that gayness outta you. I'll make you into a real fucking man…

_The boy picks up the small remote and points it at the camera. He pauses and grins maliciously, his teeth glaring in the light of the computer. The camera clicks off._

* * *

><p>Kurt sighs as he looks up into the sky. It was a dark wash of lavender fading into a fiery red-orange sunset in the west. The sun was sinking into its sleepy horizons and another day was setting on David Karofsky without him knowing it.<p>

Or did he know it? Can he see it? Can you hear the sounds of the night? _Can you hear the song of the evening cicadas; feel the chill wind of the approaching night; smell the exhaust from the evening rush hour? Are you thinking about me? Do you hate me for making you go through this pain?_

Fresh tears streamed down his face now, stinging as they cooled in the bitter chilly wind. It's too cold for summer. Kurt let them fall. He doesn't care who sees. He doesn't even pay attention to the random passersby that stare at him awkwardly. They can see his tears. They can stare all they want and wonder what kind of pain, what kind of torment he's suffered.

He can hear the buzz of a distant ambulance coming nearer. He looks down as it approaches and turns into the drive. He looks back at the hulking white beast with its many yellow-white eyes shining in the deepening dusk. The dappled darkness of the night sky brought with it muddled memories.

Paul Karofsky was walking towards him carrying the small flash drive in his left hand. He is faceless, but Kurt knows it's him. There's a letter too, but Kurt can't bear to read now. His hands are shaking at the news and he forces himself to look into the man's eyes. They are warm and brown, not like David's… They are also glazed with tears. He said things that Kurt can't remember right now, if he'd even heard them in the first place.

Kurt can't watch the videos right away. He also can't bear to go see the boy in them. He can't handle all of those wires and needles poking into him, or the buzzing of the machines that keep him linked to this world.

It was three days before he watched them. He couldn't stop watching and played them over and over, crying until his eyes refused to cry again. Why didn't he just tell him?

_Why couldn't you just tell me? Why couldn't you let me know? I would've stopped. I just felt so alone; so scared to be the only one… If I knew about you… about how you felt about me… David… come back to me… I'll change everything… I'll make it safe for you… We can run away… somewhere no one will find us… anywhere… David… Dave… come back… David… I love you…_

**I can't stop crying now… my eyes hurt and I feel like a child. Why can't I cry like this for real people? Why am I so attached to someone I've never met? Maybe it's because I have met Dave Karofsky before, or at least **_**a**_** Dave Karofsky. This character is so powerful to me, yet so fragile I just want to wrap him up in my arms and make sure nothing ever hurts him again. I know some people will never understand, but people like Dave do exist and they hurt inside as much as they hurt their victims, maybe more. I understand that now. I know a bully who was almost a mirror of Dave. Before he committed suicide he wrote a letter explaining everything he'd gone through, How sorry he was; how messed up he was inside; how afraid he was. I can't understand how messed up a person has to be to do the type of things this person did, but I began understanding a little after reading the letter. I hope this series sheds some light on the matter. Even if you hate Dave, or bullies, please remember that pain is not always visible and victims are not always obvious.**

**~Jay**


	4. Chapter 4

**Here's the next bit. If you didn't already figure out, Kurt was at the hospital last time. Some time has passed now and he of course needs to get back to school. After all life doesn't just stop for one person, no matter how important they are to us… Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Four**

**[Rec.]**

2010/11/09

_The screen flickers on and Karofsky is standing in the middle of the room in front of the bed, pounding into the mattress with his fists._

00:01:25

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

_The boy beats every curse into the mattress, slowly coming to a stop. He rests his hands on the bedposts, leaning on his arms for support. His already heavy breathing becomes erratic as his body begins to convulse, wracked by sobs. It is a very long time until he's able to calm himself. Sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, he cries for another three minutes._

00:12:17

[Shuddering breaths]

Well, it's official: I'm a fucking FAG! I went and ruined my whole fucking life today! E- everything was going so well… Hummel was beginning to crack… I could _feel _it; he was gonna break any second… and… he was gonna realize that being a homo was only gonna bring him pain.

[Groans]

Then that fucking look he had… staring at his fucking phone like it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen… that look… it was killing everything I had done that week. I had to make him remember… I should've just fucking left it alone!

[Chuckles]

But no… I can never just leave Hummel alone… Whatever the fuck he was smiling at was pissing me the fuck off and I just… I snapped. I knocked the phone out of his hand and slammed him into the locker. God! I didn't mean to do it that hard… That look on his face though… it killed me. I wanted… I wanted to make him hurt. I had to make him hurt, like he'd hurt me.

_The boy pauses and pulls at his hair._

00:14:27

[Groans and curses]

Fuck… fuck… FUCK!

[Muffled Slam]

I shouldn't have looked back. That's what made him come after me, I know it.

_Karofsky pauses again, looking up into the camera. His eyes are red and tear stains appear as streaks on his blotchy face. His eyes wet with fresh tears and he gives shuddering breaths, his chest rising and falling slowly. His hands are crumpled into fists in his lap._

I kissed him. He came after me, bursting into the locker room. I couldn't focus. He was too close telling me everything I was. Everything he thought he knew about me… but he didn't know shit did he? He didn't know… All this time –all of the abuse… I thought maybe…

[Snorts]

Of course he wouldn't know… If someone was slamming me into lockers, I guess my first thought wouldn't be 'Oh my god he's in love with me!' would it?

_He grimaces at the screen, his mouth quivering as he fights back a sob._

00:16:16

He didn't know... and he was so close… so close… I- I just… I couldn't help myself. All I saw were his lips; those beautiful fucking perfect lips! I…

_He cuts off and shakes again. The he looks into the camera again, shaking his head._

[Sniffs]

00:18:41

Now he's gonna tell the whole fucking school. Goodbye Karofsky. Your life is fucking over. You deserve it… you're a fucking queer; a goddamn abomination! You should just… FUCK!

_Karofsky grabs his pillow and hurls it towards the screen. The screen makes popping sounds and there is a little beep before it shuts off._

* * *

><p>Kurt steadies his breath as he walks through the overcrowded halls. He'd rather be anywhere but here. He'd rather be by the boy's side. He can feel people staring at him as he passes. They know about Dave. The truth's out now and Hummel is to blame, isn't he? He turned Karofsky into a queer; made him drink from the fucking rainbow fountain!<p>

He speeds up. He can't take the stares anymore; they're too much. He's about to completely disintegrate. He doesn't know where he's going; Kurt's feet just keep pushing, not caring where they tread. He is aware of the grunts and swears that people toss his way as he shoves past, but he can't bring himself to stop.

The loud clicking of Kurt's shoes suddenly becomes clearer and he notices he's alone. He's pushed past a door and he doesn't even know when, but he's there again. His breath hitches and he looks around, taking in the familiar smell of the room.

Kurt's feet take over again and he's walking, slowly, loathly to the spot. History is etched into his heels as they plant themselves into the positions they held that day –so long ago now… Tears flee from his eyes as they burn, images flooding them; images of that face.

Suddenly he can't breathe. It takes him bye surprise and he almost crumples to his knees. Steadying himself, he pulls all of the strength he had left to remain standing. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, trying to coax out the words. Finally they come:

"David," he breathes. "Dave, I- I'm here… This is where… Remember I forgave you… Remember? This place isn't bad anymore… We can still… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry! I know you hated this place after that day. You said it hurt to be in here. But that was the day… that was the first time I ever felt your lips. I didn't want to back then… but now… I need you… I want you to be here again… I'm here, David. I'm here… C- can you feel me?"

**Only one chapter today, but it was kind of hard to write. I'm still deciding where to take this. I know you guys want to know. I do too.**

**~Jay**


	5. Chapter 5

**We've seen Dave's emotions play out on the screen. He's showed and told us so much through his little video diary. We don't yet know his fate, but we know through Kurt's pain and his melancholy that he feels he's lost the boy. These stories are getting harder to write with each chapter, but I hope you enjoy them:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Five**

**[Rec.]**

2010/11/16

_The camera flickers on revealing a dark room. Formless masses are scattered about and it is soon clear that the room was in a state of disorder. An exhausted and upset looking David Karofsky rolls a chair in front of the screen and sits in it, fidgeting with his hands. His face is half illuminated by the light from the computer screen and it can be seen that his eyes are red and puffy. Pale streaks on his face reveal that he has been crying._

00:00:51

[Deep, sputtering breaths]

I… I can't seem to do anything right… I'm so fucking scared right now. Shit! You've sunk to an all new low, Karofsky. You really are a dumb fuck you know that?

_The boy's eyes glint an eerie green in the dim light of the computer screen. They look lost and empty. As the camera adjusts slightly to the lack of light, it can be seen that Karofsky is wearing an oversized wife beater. His skin is an icy blue because of the screen, but he looks paler than usual._

00:03:15

[Deep sigh]

I'm so sorry, Kurt… I wish I could take back everything… I wish I could be as strong as you. I wish… I wish I could change things; _everything_… especially what I did today… I- I never meant it: the I'll kill you thing… I just- I don't know, I overreacted. I'd never… You have to know that…

[Scoffs]

Like you'd ever believe me. After everything I've done… It's too late to go back now. It's too late to take back what I've done.

_The boy hangs his head and clenches his fists. His breathing becomes erratic as his bulky frame is wracked by sobs. Fresh tears stream down the large boy's face and he takes a razor to his arm, cutting into the fleshy mass. Blood trickles down his arm and he watches it, tilting his arm backwards and forwards, changing the direction of the flow. His eyes are empty and a sad, hollow smile spreads across his face._

00:05:43

[Inhales deeply the exhales deeply]

I never would have thought that I'd be the type to be into cutting… but it feels so good. It feels like I'm letting the pain out. I can't handle it; I'm too weak. It's always been bottled up inside me, but now there's just too much, I have to let it out.

_He cuts into his arm again and lets out a long, drawn-out breath. Blood immediately runs from the wound and trickles onto his clothes._

00:07:34

[Chuckles]

Guess I'll have to wash these now…

_He puts the razor blade down onto the desk and leans back in the chair, taking a deep breath and holding out his arm to his side. The blood continues to drip profusely for a few moments before Karofsky takes a towel and stems the flow. He looks back into the camera with a sad look on his face._

00:09:11

I'm so sorry, Kurt. You'll never know how hard I tried to stop. You'll never know how much I love you; how much I want to be with you… how much I want to protect you instead of hurt you. I'd protect you from me if I could, but… it's too late now. I can't stop… I can't stop and I'm so sorry for what I might end up doing in the future. I… I hope you can stop me…

_Karofsky stares at the screen for a long time, his eyes pleading even as they shed tears. Finally he shakes his head and reaches forward. There is a noise and the screen goes black._

* * *

><p>He could swear that the sky was looking down upon him and reflecting his mood. Kurt looked up at the gloomy gray clouds circling above. They did nothing to abate his sadness or his self-loathing. How could he feel better when the boy he realized he loved wasn't by his side? How could he even dare?<p>

Kurt convinces himself that he's overreacting; that the sky had no such feelings, nor any such cares for the trivial lives of the men it ruled over. It had its own agenda, its own worries and faults and insecurities. It must have. After all, looking down upon all of the suffering and hatred must make it _feel_ something mustn't it?

_You're insane, Hummel,_ he thinks to himself. _ It's the fucking sky for goodness sakes. Just be glad when the rain comes. Then you don't have to hold them in anymore…_

Almost as if it had heard him, the downpour begins. People around him scramble for cover, ducking into houses and under buildings, shouting curses at the looming expanse of gray above. _What do you think that will do, _Kurt asks them in his mind. _Who the hell do you people think you are that you can complain to Nature? You people are so stupid and sick. That's why he…_

Then they fell; the tears, unchecked, cascading down his cheeks and mingling with the cold drops that pelted from the heavens. _Heaven… _he laughs to himself.

**We're beginning to see Kurt's madness unfold. It stems from the melancholy that one feels after loss, especially of something, or someone they held dear. I've witnessed these emotions, or lack thereof in my friends and acquaintances. It's a difficult thing to see, and I'd imagine, a difficult thing to undergo. Kurt is obviously in grief, if it is because he's actually lost Dave, or because he's lost something else, we don't yet know. I hope you guys let me know what you think. XOXO**

**~Jay**


	6. Chapter 6

**Another chapter is here. We'll get to learn a little bit more here, but not too much to really assume anything. I hope you all like the series so far and get something from it. I hope I can reach a Dave out there and show you that you aren't alone; that someone knows something of what you're going through… Please enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Six**

**[Rec.]**

2010/11/23

_The screen comes on to reveal Karofsky covered in cuts, his hair matted and skin pale. The room around him is a complete disaster now, piles of clothes and torn scraps of paper litter every corner of it. A bloody t-shirt sits on the desk in front of the screen with the razor blade on top. The blood is still red and the blade still wet._

00:00:13

[Sharp, raspy breathing]

Kurt's gone…

_Karofsky howls in pain and anger, his eyes glistening with tears. They would be beautiful, the shocking hazel shimmering with reflected light, had it not been for the hollowness in them. The boy can't control himself and he cries freely, falling to the ground and bawling like a newborn babe. It's several minutes before he climbs his way clumsily back onto his bed, the spot where he laid soaked with tears and blood. He wipes at it with his feet and gives up, kicking a discarded piece of clothing over it._

00:05:15

[Deep sigh]

I- I knew he'd tell them eventually… No… it sort of came out. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I should have just left him alone, but no… First I take the fucking wedding topper-

_He points to a figurine barely visible on the nightstand on the far side of his bed._

-then I go and make fun of him for dancing with Hudson. I- I just got so fucking pissed when I saw them together… It's no secret Kurt had a huge crush on him.

[Scoffs]

Why wouldn't he. I hate Hudson for what he did to me in fifth grade, but fuck! I can't even stand to be in the same room. Then I find out Kurt's gonna be his brother… They'll be living together… I- I saw them and I didn't know how else to react.

_The boy slaps his head and mutters._

00:07:01

Stupid, stupid, stupid! I thought he'd be used to it and wouldn't do anything, but I sure as hell didn't expect his father to fucking chase me down the hall and pin me! Fuck!

_Dave rubs a bruise on his neck and stares a bit at his cut- up arms._

[Chuckles]

If you ever do see this, Kurt… If somehow you care enough to watch these… I- I'm not crazy OK? I know what it looks like, but honestly… it makes me feel better. I guess I get a little carried away sometimes though…

_The boy has a weak smile on his face, taking some of the aged look from him. His eyes are less yellowed for a minute and he looks almost happy. Then the eyes hollow out again and his lips fall into a miserable grimace._

00:09:43

[Sobs]

I can't believe you're gone… I- I…

_There's nothing more. Karofsky mumbles incoherently for a few moments before taking a shuddering breath and taking the small black remote from his pocket. He shakes his head and looks absolutely distraught as he points the remote at the screen and everything goes black._

* * *

><p>Kurt's breath hitches as he sees the sleeping boy. Tubes and needles are impaled into his thick, still-pale skin. Kurt has never been fond of needles. He sways a little, but steadies himself, putting his hand on the metal bed frame. Slowly, he regains an even pace in his breathing, but he clutches at his heart. It's almost too much.<p>

He takes a tentative step forward, reaching for the chair next to the bed. He's afraid to let go for fear of falling, but soon gathers his strength and unclenches his fingers from the now-warm metal. He sits, not looking at the boy for a second. He watches shadows dance on the wall and the silhouettes of people passing outside of the door. There's a screen on the large square window of the door which he had pulled down upon entering.

Kurt sits quietly, for how long he doesn't know. He listens to the odd beeps and whirs of the machines, scared that they might stop or change abruptly if he moves or speaks. One sound in particular catches his attention. He'd heard it when his father was rushed to the hospital last semester for a heart attack. He remembers how his faith –his father's love – was almost taken from him. The sound of the heart monitor lulls his nerves.

"Come to think of it, you didn't bully me all that week, or the next either," he catches himself saying. He gasps and puts a hand to his mouth, surprised by his own voice. He hadn't used it much in the past couple of days and had almost forgotten what it sounded like. His voice is different in his head; older, stronger too.

"But it's your voice I want to hear…" Kurt says. Carefully, slowly, he turns his head to his left. He looks with stinging eyes as the prone form of David Karofsky. The boy's once vibrant hazel orbs were shut away behind heavy lids. The lips he'd once kissed were chapped and cracked.

Kurt sees the cuts, almost completely faded away, on the boy's arms. "So those aren't to blame…" he sighs. "You know they won't tell me what happened," he whispers.

He sits staring at the boy for a few moments, waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. He sighs and stifles a sob. Reaching into his coat pocket, Kurt withdraws a small round container of cherry and mint flavored lip balm. He unscrews the cap and places it on his knee, swirling his finger into the smooth gel. He hesitates for a minute, but soon leans over and very gently applies the balm to Dave's lips.

Kurt smiles as the boy's lips shine in the fluorescent lights. The smile slowly fades however as he notices how close they are to each other. It had been a very long time… _I want to…_ Kurt leans in further, his nose grazing Dave's and his breath hitches again. Their lips are mere nanometers apart. _I… I can't… I need you to wake up… please… please wake up David…_

He shuts his eyes and falls back into the chair, sobbing hysterically. _This isn't fair! It should be me! I caused all of this pain! It's because of me that you're… _But his brain can't even form thought anymore. He weeps for what feels like years.

The room transforms into his French class. The teacher is giving a lecture, but her words can't reach him. He's watching the door, knowing what's coming and praying it won't; praying it never happened. But of course it does; the door opens and Principal Figgins, Mr. Schuester, and the boys' fathers come. Kurt screams, but no sound erupts from his throat. The scene dissolves and a bright light slams his eyes as he wakes to find himself sleeping with his head resting on David's arm; his hand in David's hand.

The nurse is there looking at him awkwardly. "Sir, I'm sorry, but visiting hours are over," she says sheepishly. Kurt wipes his eyes and cheeks and walks past her, not looking back. He can't. He knows if he tries, he'll never make it home.

**So here we get a glimpse of Dave's descent into depression after Kurt transfers. Kurt never knows (until he watches the videos) how much Dave has battled through. Would he have stayed even if he did know, or would he still have run away? I'm sorry for making Dave cut himself, but this is something a lot of people resort to to release pain. It's not pretty, but it somehow makes people feel better (because of the endorphins I hear) I don't in any way advocate this practice, so please don't think I do, **_**nor do it if you are reading this story in a similar mindset to Dave. Let this story ease your pain. Let it draw it from you. It may be fiction, but the content is very real. You are not alone…**_** XOXO**

**~Jay**


	7. Chapter 7

**Another chapter is here. This is the transition point for both Dave and Kurt. I'm hoping to show them in a way people haven't seen them on the show. Please enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Seven**

**[Rec.]**

2010/11/30

_The screen flickers on and a blur comes past the camera and out of the shot._

[Door opens slowly.]

[Heavy breathing]

[Door shuts]

[Muffled footsteps]

00:01:05

_Karofsky appears out of the corner of the screen. He looks at it a while and rubs his hands together before sitting down on the edge of his bed. The room around him is drastically different: the floor, a smoky, gray carpet is clearly visible for the first time, no clothes or stray papers are in sight, the furniture looks polished, and the curtains are drawn, letting sunlight filter in through the blue veil of a see through shade._

_The boy looks different too. His skin is scarred, but they are just barely visible and could easily blend in with the fine brown hairs of his arms. His eyes are brighter, clearer than they have been for a while. His hair is combed and his face is shaved, making him look younger; like his old self._

00:02:12

[Calm breathing]

Kurt's gone… I already said that, but now… now I've accepted it. He ran because I got a pass from the school board and got my expulsion lifted. It feels… new… like a fresh start.

_Karofsky scowls for a second, his eyes drifting off as he thought. He licks his lips and rubs his hands again then looks back at the screen._

00:03:17

I was a mess before. I was talking like a madman, cutting myself…

_Raises his arms to his face and turns them slowly examining the healing cuts._

You can barely see them now… I- I thought my world was ending. I thought I should kill myself and let Kurt come back to his friends. I even wrote him a note.

_Dave reaches into the left side pocket of his jeans and extracts a slightly crumpled square of paper. Slowly, he unfolds it and stares at it with an emotionless face. His bright hazel eyes skim the lines of the note, lingering on some in particular, though his stoic mask never cracks even for an instant._

[Scoffs]

00:05:25

I can't believe I wrote this to him… "I'm too weak…", "I'm so sorry…", "I could never tell you how much…"

[Crumpling noise]

_Karofsky crumples the note into a tiny wad and hurls it into his trash can, shaking his head._

I'm sorry Kurt's gone, I really am… but maybe now… maybe I can focus on getting back the rep I had. I need to be on top again. Maybe Kurt leaving is good for both of us. He's 'safe' or whatever, and I'm free. No one else will know and I can go back to being me.

[Sighs]

I hope he'll at least be happy… One day… One day, I'll tell him how sorry I am.

[Car door closes outside]

_Dave starts and walks quickly over to the window. He pulls back the thin veil and peers down, seeing something that makes him smile._

00:08:35

Az and I haven't hung out in forever… It's gonna be nice feeling normal again for once. I- I don't know what he'd do if he ever found out about me, but I'm sure it wouldn't be pretty. That's why I know I could never come out now… I'd have nobody… I- I can't… I can't just throw everything away. I can't throw my life away. I worked too hard building it…

I'm sorry, Kurt… I really am…

[Doorbell rings]

_Dave simply stares at the camera for a few moments longer. Then his eyes shift and he walks over to the screen, picking up the little remote on the desk in front of it. All that can be seen is the fading cuts on his arms before the screen goes black._

* * *

><p>Kurt can't bring himself to eat. Everything smells like Dave: the salad, the baked chicken, the bread, the air, the rain. He feels the side of his face and closes his eyes remembering the warmth of the other boy's arm as he laid on it. His smooth skin remembers the fine hairs that tickled it. His hand remembers the touch of the other boy's; the pulse that beat in the palm that gave a small comfort to Kurt's own heart.<p>

Kurt remembers where he is and opens his eyes, blushing as he finds the family staring at him. He looks down at his plate and pushes it away. "I'm sorry," he says, "I- I guess I'm just not hungry."

He excuses himself and goes into the kitchen, wrapping his food and storing it for later, though he doubts that it will smell any different. Going to the sink, he finds that the water smells the same and he breathes in deeply as the warm stream cascades around his fingers.

He doesn't know when, but he reaches the bottom of the stairs and looks around at his bedroom. Kurt's cheeks color as he looks at his bed, the pillows sitting higher than usual but not enough for anyone else but him to notice. He looks to the top of the stairs and waits for signs of anyone who might have followed him or wanted to check up on him. When, after a few minutes, no one comes, he walks swiftly to his bed and lies down. He reaches under his pillows and pulls out a large jacket. He'd taken it when Dave's locker was opened at the school to be searched, for what he still had no clue. The moment came when the police left to talk to his father and he'd taken the chance to grab the jacket and stuff it into his bag. It was a desperate act, but he neither regretted nor felt ashamed about it.

He hadn't washed it either and now he puts his nose against the lining on the other side of the large M and inhales. David's scent floods his lungs like precious oxygen and he takes the longest, deepest breath of his life.

**A short chapter, I know, but now begins a transition in the mindset of both boys. In the videos we see that Dave is beginning to get himself together. He's trying to figure out how to move on. In the future while Dave is in the hospital, Kurt is experiencing an upsurge in his feelings for him. Perhaps it's because of Dave's situation, or perhaps he's realizing just how much he'd been denying them all along. I hope you guys liked this one. XOXO**

**~Jay**


	8. Chapter 8

**Another chapter is here. I don't have much to say about this one, but that I hope you guys enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Eight**

**[Rec.]**

2010/12/06

_The screen comes into focus and Dave is sitting on his bed. He's wearing a red sleeveless workout shirt and gray sweatpants with a white towel draped around his neck. In his hand is a bottle of Gatorade of which he takes a few gulps. He burps and pats his stomach, licking his lips and smiling. His arms look harder and thicker than before, but most importantly, the scars are gone._

[Drinking sounds.]

[Sigh]

00:00:55

December is here and it's only a little while until break. Man, I can't wait. I love Christmas time.

[Chuckles]

I guess this has been the happiest I've been in a while. I feel good… I feel… strong.

_Karofsky flexes his arms and gives a goofy grin at the screen._

[Laughs]

I'm working out too, which feels really good. I stopped for a while because… well, Kurt… he thought I was fat, but I'd actually lost a lot of fat since joining football. I mean, I know I ain't the six pack abs type, but I was kind of bummed about what he said… not that I reacted in the right way either…

[Clears throat]

Anyway, I don't really want to talk about that. I- I heard he tied with the Gleeks for first at their little singing thing. I guess that's good, so… I'm happy…

_The boy smiles, a little sadly, his eyes sinking to the carpet where his foot is digging a small indent._

00:03:23

I think this really was the best thing for us… you know, him leaving and all… I think he's much happier over there, especially with that prep school boy he's with. I bet they really are dating…

[Voice cracks and he clears his throat]

Anyway, I'm finally getting back on top. We're doing really well in our division and we're probably gonna go all the way this year. I just hope I don't have to take any more crap from Hudson or the other Glee-jocks about Kurt… I just wish they'd lay off. It's not like I don't already feel bad about it… but I guess they don't know that do they?

_He takes a look at the alarm clock on his nightstand and then looks back at the camera._

I really hope he's happy at his new school… I heard it was a gay school, so maybe he'll find a couple of boyfriends there… if he doesn't end up with that one he brought to interrogate me…

[Chuckles]

00:07:25

Looking back on it, I guess I kind of freaked out… I did a lot of freaking out these last few weeks haven't I? I did a lot of other things I regret too… I wonder if I'll even see him again. If I did… what would I do?

_Karofsky stares at the camera as if waiting for an answer. Perhaps he was because after a few minutes he shrugs and shakes his head. He waves to the camera nd smirks before turning it off._

* * *

><p>Kurt watches him breathe for a long time. the rise and fall of his chest and the little twitches of his nose and lips made Dave look as if he was simply sleeping and would wake up at any moment. Kurt supposed that was; <em>at least I hope…<em>

_But what would I do… what would I say if he did wake up?_ Kurt hung his head and brought his legs up onto the cushion of the chair, curling his body so that his knees touched his chin. He wrapped his arms around his legs and dug his heels into the edge of the cushion as his toes pointed straight out.

In his lap was David's letterman which he'd snuck in with his oversized messenger bag. He inhaled slowly savoring the scent in the back of his throat before he exhaled and it was lost. Looking over at the jock's prone body he wondered what the boy would think of him if he were to wake up and see him now.

_He'd probably think I was a creep or something, watching him sleep like some crazy, obsessed stalker. He'd ask me what the hell I was doing sniffing his jacket and where I even got it from. God, I'm so pathetic. What am I doing?_

Kurt wept into his sleeves until voices from outside made him start. He gathered the jacket up and rolled it into a tight package before stuffing it into his already open bag. As he begins hastily wiping his tears, the door opens and Azimio Adams walks into the room holding a card and a small package.

Their eyes met instantly and Azimio halts in the threshold of the door. The nurse behind him hesitates a moment before speaking: "Um is something wrong sir?"

"No," Azimio says after a while. He turns and smiles at her. "Nothing's wrong, but could you make sure no one bothers us?"

The Nurse looks from one boy to the other and nods, a confused look on her face. "O-OK, but if his father comes…"

"I understand," Azimio says. The nurse nods and closes the door behind her as she leaves.

Azimio stays glued to the spot, not looking at Kurt. Using the moment of silence, Kurt very slowly rises from the chair, holding his bag and Dave's letterman inside it to his chest. He can feel his heart going berserk.

"Is it true?" Azimio asks. Kurt doesn't move or say anything. The silence angers the other boy and he whirls around, his eyes stabbing into Kurt's, piercing past them, boring into his brain, and delving into his very soul. "IS. IT. TRUE?" he screams at the slender boy.

The words knock Kurt backwards and he tumbles back into the seat cringing as the other boy comes at him, covering the distance between them in a few strides. Kurt cowers and buries his head into his knees again, sobbing uncontrollably. He's ready. He deserves it. He did this. He deserves whatever is coming.

But pain doesn't come. The impact never happens and Kurt freezes as he hears the other boy's voice again.

"I just want to know." Azimio's voice is softer now, almost gentle. He barely whispers them and Kurt, unable to meet the boy's gaze again nods his head, hoping that it will be enough.

It is. He can hear Azimio's steps recede; the pressure and heat from his large body lifting off of Kurt as if he'd actually touched him. Now the room felt cold again and Kurt can't help but to look up.

Azimio is by the window, peering through the blinds down at the small park where Kurt had cried many times. "He could have told me, you know…" he says. "He could… he _should_ have just fucking told me…" the last words trail off in a whisper and Kurt simply stares on as Azimio begins to weep.

**That's that for Chapter 8. I didn't think that leaving Azimio out of this story too long would be a good idea. He's the only other person that I know is close to Dave besides Kurt and Paul. Santana might be, but I don't know exactly how to add her in yet. Maybe I will soon, but I think that Kurt might need to be in touch with someone else who cares about Dave and might know him a bit better. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. XOXO**

~Jay


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm grateful for all of the support you guys are giving this story. Lots of love to all of you! Please check out fancyandthefury[dot]net if you like Kurtofsky fics. I'll be posting SYAKC Part1 as well as this story on there too, so check it out! There are a lot of great writers and I believe a few artists as well. Anyway, here's the story, enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Nine**

**[Rec.]**

2011/02/08

_The Scene comes in, blurry for a second, but instantly focusing and showing a smiling Dave Karofsky sitting at the desk instead of on his bed. His arms are out in front of him. The scars are little pink slits, barely noticeable to anyone who wasn't looking for them. They're also thicker, stronger and showing with muscle. He's wearing a white T-shirt with a picture of an eagle soaring over turbulent waves._

[Clears throat]

00:00:25

Haven't made one of these in a while, but this week has been pretty good so I thought I'd talk about it.

[Chuckles]

I've felt really good lately. Like, _really_ good! I'm gaining some muscle…

_Karofsky flexes an arm, showing off a rippling bicep._

I'm getting my grades back up; Dad's happy… All good.

[Laughs]

This week started off crappy though. Coach Bieste ragged on us for not getting on with the Glee-jocks. I'm not exactly popular with them if you remember… Anyway, she and Schuester got it in their heads for us to get together with the Glee club to "come together as a team"…

_He shakes his head, smirking and rolling his eyes._

[Laughs]

Adults just don't get it, you know? I mean, it's none of their business if we don't get along. I know they think they've seen it all and been through everything we've gone through, but I bet if I ever told one of them…

_The boy stops and a flash of fear mixed with sadness comes across his face._

00:03:35

I could never tell anyone… but if I did, I doubt they'd have much advice for me. The only person who would have any clue is miles away now… and I'm glad he is.

[Sighs and clears his throat]

I know I'm a huge asshole for saying that. I know I drove him away, but I'm really glad he's not here anymore. It… it's not because I don't want him to be, but if he was he could still tell anyone he wants. I- I don't think he would, but… I'm not ready for that kind of pressure again… I'm finally feeling good and I can't go back to that…

_He looks down at his left arm and studies the small slits, tracing over a few of them with his index finger._

[Sighs]

I can't… I can't go back to seeing him every day. I'd go back to slamming him in lockers I know I would and… I… I can't go back to that… People think it's because I hated him… I used to think that too, but it's a lie… a lie I'm tired of telling.

_He stares at the screen intently, his eyes boring into it like he's searching…_

00:07:27

I would give anything to take back what I did… but back then… I hurt him because I was obsessed… I didn't know anyone else like him. I didn't know any other gay guys… I- I've been around town, going to a few places. Most don't even check I.D. because I look old enough… I've never done anything… just looked. There are a lot of them… a lot more than I ever thought there would be here… I thought it might be because he was the only one, but to tell you the truth, I could have tried it… tried to pick up a few of those guys, but… I find myself comparing them to him… all the time… ALL the time… So I know it's not just because he's the only one at the school… besides, I'd be too afraid to ask another guy out anyway.

_Dave plays with a piece of lint on the sleeve of his tee. _

I think I just wanted to touch him… I mean, I think that's why I slammed him into the lockers so much… It's just that every time I saw him, I wanted to touch him, to be close to him; _feel_ him somehow… but I know that doesn't and will never excuse what I did…

_Karofsky stares at the screen again. This time his eyes look unfocused, as if he's not really looking at the screen at all._

Oh, yeah! I forgot… the game… We won!

[Chuckles]

Yeah, random, I know… Just, when I think about Kurt… A- anyway, we won. At first I wasn't digging the whole Glee thing, especially when we had to go to Zombie camp… but it became fun. I got into the whole dancing thing. It wasn't as girly as I thought, and fuck it was hard! I thought slamming into tackling dummies for twenty minutes was tough…

But, Mr. Schue… He told me I was good…

_Dave smiles wistfully._

00:12:24

Anyway, I quit after a while. Getting slushied by the hockey team really got to me… Cooper… He called me gay and I… I sort of freaked out… but seeing everyone getting into the whole show during half time was incredible. I thought the stands were going to collapse with all that jumping up and down…

[Laughs]

Turns out that half time stunt and winning the game put us back on top. I was so stoked afterwards, but Hudson had to ruin it by asking me to rejoin the Gleek squad. It's easy for him to go back to being taunted, but I can't… Besides, I could never face the others –all of them staring at me and glaring at me for pushing Kurt away… They'd want me to get him back… and I can't just now… I can't…

_Dave give the screen a little half smile and shakes his head. He stares ahead apologetically then reaches forward and the screen turns black._

* * *

><p>Kurt brushes away a few stray locks of hair from the sleeping boy's face.<p>

"You're gonna need a haircut when you wake up," he says, chuckling a bit. "Super Cuts…"

He smiles and takes out a tube of lip balm from a breast pocket of his striped lavender button up. Gently he massages the balm onto David's lips, tracing their heart shape with his index finger. Kurt's eyes dart to Dave's as if he's afraid the touch would wake the boy, but slowly he lowers his eyes, realizing that he would give anything for him to awaken.

"The team is getting ready to head to summer practice next weekend. That's like nine days away," Kurt says, capping the balm and replacing it in his pocket. He adjusts in his seat and looks towards the door.

Last time, Azimio had come in and scared him half to death. Kurt remembers how he wanted to run right past him and never look back. "Azimio sends his love," he whispers, looking down at Dave. "He's not mad at you for not telling him anymore. In fact he kind of blames himself. He says if he didn't tease people so much about being fags, you might have been able to tell him… I don't think he can come back and face you on his own again, but I offered to send messages for him. He said he'd like that."

Kurt becomes quiet for a minute. He watches the rise and fall of the sheets where Dave's chest is and finds that it soothes him. _I wonder what it would be like…_ he thinks, _what it would be like to…_

He glances again at the door and stares, listening intently at the noises outside. Turning back to the sleeping jock, his breathing becomes huskier. Licking his lips he sets he rises from the chair, coming to sit on the bed beside Dave.

Slowly, carefully he adjusts his weight and his body, thanking his slender form as he lays himself next to Dave. He eases his legs into the bed and slowly rests his head on the jock's chest, finding it warm and firm and blushing as his fingers brush across a nipple. It was slightly cool in the room, and he shakes the thoughts out of his mind. Settling in, he notices a sound, rhythmic and soothing.

He doesn't know how long he's laid there, but soon he finds his eye lids are heavy. No longer caring who might come in next, he adjusts his weight once again and stretches, laying his arm across the boy's solid body.

Yawning contentedly, he falls asleep listening to the sound of David Karofsky's heart.

**And that wraps it up for chapter 9. I hope you all are enjoying this story. It's getting easier now to write after seeing your comments and how much you all love Dave. Thanks for reading! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	10. Chapter 10

**I thought I'd give you all a second one since I haven't been able to update nearly as frequently as before. I know you guys want to know what happened, and I think we're close to getting that answer, but I've been thinking: wouldn't it be nice to get the story from Dave's own mouth? Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Ten**

**[Rec.]**

2011/04/21

_The screen flickers on to reveal a grinning David Karofsky sitting on his bed, his legs extending out and passing out of the shot. The headboard of his bed is visible behind him and he's propped up against his pillows._

00:00:25

Hey, it's been a while. Like, two months right? I've been so busy getting my life back together to make any more videos, but I think it might be time to start again… Dad got me a laptop for my good grades. It's pretty sweet. I already downloaded a crap-load of games on it though.

[Chuckles]

Anyway, some really fucked up shit happened last week and now I guess I'm paying for it…

_The boy scratches his head and reaches out to grab his phone off of the nightstand. He shuffles through it for a few minutes before finding what he's looking for._

[Clears throat]

"Karofsky, it's Lopez. I know we've had our differences in the past, but I think we should get together. After all, I think we've got a lot in common."

[Laughs]

I thought it was really fishy, getting this, but I said what the heck. I should have gone with my first instinct though 'cuz she totally played me. I was so stupid! Why the fuck did I agree to meet her when I knew she was still pissed about the slushie? Especially after the last exchange we had…

_He shakes his head._

I guess I should explain a bit… I… I kinda went after Kurt again…

_Dave sits up a little on his bed and the scene becomes blurry and shaky for a bit. Refocusing the laptop, the boy takes a deep breath and stares intently into the screen._

00:02:48

I didn't mean to, I just… I don't know… Everything was going so well and I was back on top. I didn't have to worry about people finding out about me, or even any fucking rumors floating around. I was getting good grades, and Dad was telling me how proud he was… FUCK! Everything was fucking perfect again!

[Sighs and clears his throat]

I mean, _yeah_ I was being a dick again, but I needed to act normal, you know? Get back to being me and Lopez needed her slushie just like everyone else. I had no fucking clue it would lead to this shit though.

_He turns the phone's screen out and thrusts it in front of the camera showing the blurry message and waving it in front of the screen for a moment before tossing the phone on his bed. Crossing his arms, he sighs and shakes his head._

[Sighs]

Lopez is a real piece of fucking work. I guess I deserve it though… after I…

[Scoffs and takes a deep breath]

I heard that Kurt was back at the school. I was pumping iron in the weight room when one of the guys called me over and told me "That Fancy's back! He's prancing down the halls with his little butt-buddy". I couldn't fucking believe my ears. I could just feel everyone looking at me. Even Az was waiting for me to do something… I… I had to…

_He stares at the screen intently; his face contorted in misery and his eyes a dangerous shade of a few months previous. His fingernails were digging into his skin again and the scars that were just whispers of slits seemed to grow pink again._

00:07:25

I heard them before I saw them… Kurt was giving his preppy boy-toy the grand tour… He said he missed the place and I was on the verge of falling on my fucking knees and begging him to come back…

[Heavy breathing]

I know what I said before… that I didn't want him to come back because things would get worse for me again, but… I miss him… I… I fucking miss the damn angel! I mean…

[Sighs]

He knows… and he could tell at any moment, but he hasn't… he could ruin my entire life, even from his prep school haven, but he hasn't told a soul… why? He could…

_Karofsky's eyes are shining with tears, but none fall._

I missed seeing him in the halls… I'd never touch him again… never… not that I can anymore anyway… Fucking Lopez…

[Chuckles]

She fucking blackmailed me… after her sticking up for Kurt and what's-his-face, I thought she was going to come and cut me or something… then she goes and fucking asks me out! I… She knows. She knows and she threatened to tell the whole fucking school if I didn't help her get Kurt back.

She saw me checking out Evans's ass and fucking called me out on it. Then… then she tells me she's a lesbian. I know, what the fuck? She's slept with like, all of the fucking dudes I know, but she's a _dike_? Makes no fucking sense, but she is.

_Dave shakes his head and looks at the clock._

Almost time for Dad to get home…

Anyway, I agreed to help her get Kurt back… I even apologized to him. So he's back at school now and I… I'm actually happy. I thought it'd be hell, but he's actually really cool, the way he let me get the credit for getting him back and Lopez is happy 'cuz she's a shoe-in for Prom Queen… Yeah, that's the reason she wanted me to help her… for a fucking tiara… I mean, it does help me cement my rep if I'm Prom King, but…

[Sighs and shrugs]

At least I have an excuse to be around Kurt again.

_Dave tilts the screen towards his closet door showing a red jacket, much like his letterman, but made of a different fabric. _

The Bully Whips. It's Lopez's brilliant idea to show I'm a reformed bully who wants to keep the halls of McKinley safe, or some shit like that. Anyway, like I said, it lets me get close to Kurt, though I haven't had the courage to even talk much to him yet. I'm always so fucking flustered around him… It's getting better, but…

[Car door closes outside]

_Dave gets up from his bed, setting the shaking screen of the laptop down and peering out of the window._

Dad's home…

I guess that's it for now… I gotta get up early and make sure I meet Kurt by his locker before first period.

_Karofsky is smiling broadly. _

I… I need to let him know how fucking sorry I am… I need him to know that he's safe…

I… I watched him dancing up on stage with his Likes Boys shirt on… He's so brave, but he doesn't know how much trouble he's going to attract wearing stuff like that. Sure people aren't showing it, but they haven't changed all that much. They just don't want to risk expulsion like me…

I need to keep him safe… I _will_ keep him safe… It's the least I could do for him. Hell, it's the only thing I can do…

_Dave walks over to the bed and picks up the laptop, smiling a bit and looking back at his Bully Whips jacket, beaming with pride before the screen goes black again._

* * *

><p>Kurt's heart skips a beat and he pulls his hand back as if burned. He's sure he felt it. Searching the boy's face he tentatively takes Dave's hand again and gently squeezes.<p>

Moments fly by, but it seems like hours before… , but it seems like hours before… Yes!

"Oh my god," Kurt breathes. "Oh my god…"

He squeezes again and squeals as he feels the soft pressure of Dave's hand closing its fingers ever so slightly in response.

"David, please," Kurt begs, "Please wake up…"

A third squeeze from Kurt garners a slightly more forceful response from Dave's hand and Kurt's heart is ready to explode. Was this the moment he'd been waiting for for the past two months? He squeezes and squeezes again, but the last few times went without reaction.

Crying he gets up and straightens the wrinkles from his clothes. Breathing heavily and trying to stop the tears, he reaches up and wipes his eyes.

"Please…" he says again.

After a few moments, Kurt manages to stifle the tears, though his breathing is still jerky. Slowly he bends down, taking the boy's hand again. Closing his eyes, he puts his lips so close to David's ear that he can feel the warmth radiating from the boy.

"Please…" he begs and squeezes the jock's hand again.

For a few moments, nothing. Then, very slightly, very weakly, David's fingers close around Kurt's slender hand, this time not slackening and Kurt's eyes fling open, tears flooding out again and splashing the onto the sleeping boy's cheek.

"Nurse!" Kurt screams.

He looks down at the slight grimace on the boy's face. His eyes are still closed, but Kurt knows he can hear.

"David," he pleads, "David please wake up… I… I need you to wake up…"

The jock's lids remain closed and as the nurse comes in and sees the clasped hands, Kurt's vision blurs with tears again. He sobs as he's pulled away by rough hands, indistinguishable voices telling him that he needs to wait outside.

"I NEED YOU!" he yells as David's fingers slacken once again and slip out of Kurt's grasp.

**Last one for tonight! Aren't you all lucky getting two in one day! LOL, I hope you liked it! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	11. Chapter 11

**This is a long one. It took me a while, but I hope you all enjoy it and take something out of it. This series is more than just entertainment so I hope you all get something more out of it. Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Eleven**

**[Rec.]**

2011/05/10

_The screen flickers on, revealing a very gloomy darkness in which the only sources of light come from the computer itself and from a glint of gold sitting high up on the screen. As the scene comes into focus, it is revealed that the gold is a crown sitting lopsided on the head of one David Karofsky. The rest of the scene looks slightly out of focus and shaky, the camera obviously of lower quality than that which is usually used. _

00:00:12

[Shuddering breaths]

_The screen shakes and then dips below Karofsky's waist and it's clear that he's carrying whatever he's using to shoot the video. Around him are unfamiliar shapes somewhat resembling trees or brush. The screen is swaying backward and forward rapidly and it is clear that Karofsky is moving; walking somewhere outside._

[Muffles footsteps, sounding like grass is swishing underneath. Wind blows through leaves and the distant rumble of engines can be heard. Over all of this, there is a sound like panting mixed with what sounds like crying.]

00:03:52

_Gradually, the screen stops shaking and focuses on Karofsky's face. It's drenched; a mixture of sweat and tears, and something darker streak down his disfigured face._

[Broken breaths]

_Dave turns away from the camera and shifts his head from side to side, even looking behind him as if he's scanning the area. After a few moments he turns back to the screen and his face comes into full view. He's bleeding: his nose slightly crooked, obviously broken. His lips, cracked and bleeding, come apart and back together. His eyes are bloodshot and wide with fear and pain._

00:07:48

I…

[Spits and clears his throat, his voice is hoarse]

They crowned me Prom King…

[Chuckles]

Crowned me their fucking King! I thought I might win… not like this though… Those bastards… I don't know all of them, but they all fucking put this together as a fucking joke!

[Heavy breathing]

_He slips the crown off of his head and slides his finger over a large crack in the side of it, shaking his head and sneering._

[Laughs]

I just ran out on Kurt… disappointing him… again…

[Scoffs and takes a deep breath]

They made him Queen… I knew it as soon as Figgins said his name: that those fuckers put me and him up there as a fucking joke to the school. They know… and now I'm done… I know they'll spread it around especially after tonight…

_Dave's face screws up into a grotesque grimace and he hurls the crown out of the screen, the camera rattling and going out of focus again. When it comes back into focus, there are fresh tears trailing down his face._

00:14:25

I just confronted some of them: jocks of course. Most from the fucking hockey team, but a few from football, though most of them never play… Got me a few good licks in, but I know they'll be back –fucking bigots. I'm going to pay for all of this shit… I don't know when, or where, but they will come back… Kurt…

[Heavy breathing]

He'll be safe…

[Sniffs]

H- he's got people around him all the time… people who care… So he'll be safe.

_The boy's eyes shine briefly, the relief in them clear._

I know he'll be OK, so I don't care what they do to me… He knows I'm sorry, but… tonight… tonight I should've fucking danced with him… We were supposed to… Prom King and Queen…

[Chuckles]

I have to go back to school next week… I can't let anyone know… not yet… I doubt they'll do anything while I'm still in school anyway, but you never know… Anyway, I'll deal with it on my own… I'm tired of all of this bullshit. I'm tired of hiding… I'm…

[Sighs]

I'm just so fucking tired…

_The screen rattles and shakes again. The image of Dave is still for a minute or two before the screen goes black. In the last image, his eyes are full of resolve. They are a steely green, slightly narrowed and looking off into the distance seeing something no one else can… They say he's ready; ready for something he clearly has no intention of involving anyone else in. At the same time, there is such a loneliness in them that they seem almost hollow again._

* * *

><p>It is a few days until Kurt is permitted to see him. In the meantime the slender boy stays in his room; huddled in his bed sheets in the darkness, refusing food or drink until his father forces it down his throat.<p>

For three days that seemed like three lifetimes, Kurt sat waiting by the phone, willing it to ring and to hear David's voice. He kept playing the scene over and over in his head:

It was clear that David was using his phone for the last video. The way it shook and the way he could see Dave was holding the camera, it had to be his phone. But where was he? It looked like he was outside; somewhere near the school still, but _where_?

Something wet drips onto the back of his hand and Kurt realizes after a moment that he's crying –again. He thinks back to the last week of school; of sitting with Blaine at the café, saying I love you and realizing he didn't; realizing he didn't know how to love. He's a teenage boy; they both are. What do they know of love? Do they love each other because they think they should; because they're both gay, both out and proud? _Why then, couldn't I say it? Why was it so hard?_

_Am I doing the same with David? I broke up with Blaine because he didn't like me coming here so much, but… __**Why**__ was I here for David? Why have I been spending so much time with him? Am I really in love..? _

Kurt shakes his head to clear it, but he can't seem to get the boy out of his mind. _Why can't I stop thinking about him? I shouldn't be thinking about David Karofsky! After all of things he's put me through… Granted he did it because out of self-loathing and fear, but he did it all the same… so WHY? Why can't I stop my heart from aching every time I think about him? How in the world can his scent from that stupid jacket make me feel better? How could I have fallen asleep with it curled up in my arms so many times?_

_How did I fall in love with David Karofsky?_

Lost in thought, Kurt almost doesn't hear his phone's ringtone; Adele's 'Someone Like You' creeping in as the backdrop of his soliloquy until he snaps back to reality, grabbing the phone and clumsily hitting answer a couple of times.

"He- hello?" he stammers.

"Kurt?" comes Paul Karofsky's voice.

"Mr. Karofsky?" Kurt says, his voice cracking midway through the last name. "H-how are… is he okay?"

"He's a little confused," the man breathes, "but he's awake."

Kurt sighs his relief, tears making their hot trek down his cheeks falling into the corners of his shivering lips as he tries with all his might to suppress the urge to cry out.

"I… I still don't quite understand all that's between you two…" Paul starts, "but I've heard you've been coming here almost every day to see him."

Kurt simply nods, forgetting that the man can't see him. Before he realizes this and makes to speak, Mr. Karofsky cuts him off, apparently taking his silence as affirmation.

"I'd like you to stop," the man says.

Kurt's heart skips a beat and his breath hitches. His mind can't seem to wrap itself around the man's words and it's a while before either of them speaks again.

"I- what?" Kurt stammers. He can hear the older man sigh on the other line.

"This isn't healthy," Paul says finally, "for David… or for you. I need you to stop coming to see him, at least… at least until he's well enough to come home. Then you can come there and talk. Until then I have to ask you to leave him be. I'm sure your parents would agree with me. You have school after all. It's your senior year and you need to focus if you're going to-"

"I CAN'T JUST STOP!" Kurt shouts into the receiver, "DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW INSANELY DIFFICULT THIS IS FOR ME? CAN YOU EVEN FATHOM WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?" Kurt is positively livid now. He finds himself standing on his bed, screaming into the receiver, but he doesn't care.

"Why is this so difficult for you?" asks Paul Karofsky. "I _don't _understand, Kurt. I _don't _know why you're coming here every day and sitting next to my son's bed. I _don't_ understand why you care so much, or why it is that you took his letterman jacket from his locker."

Kurt freezes. His eyes dart to the jacket lying at his feet. He'd been cradling it while he was lying huddled in his blankets.

"I know it was you. No one else seems to know where it is and I can't think of any reason you would have to take it. Unless…"

"Unless I love him," Kurt whispers.

A cold silence falls between them once again.

"I…" Kurt stammers.

"You don't love my son," Paul says cooly. Kurt is about to rebut when he is cut off again. "You don't love David, Kurt. You may think you do and I know about him, so you don't even have to tell me, nor can you use his sexuality or your relationship with him as an excuse. You _don't_ love him."

"I do…" Kurt pleads.

"No," Paul replies and Kurt can almost see him shaking his head. "You feel guilty. You think this is your fault. You think you caused these people to do this to my son, but I can tell you that you had nothing to do with that."

"THEN WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THOSE VIDEOS?" Kurt screams again. He can hear pounding on the door above the stairs and someone, Finn or Burt, calling his name. "WASN'T IT TO SHOW ME HOW MUCH HE LOVED ME? HE SAID IT SO MANY TIMES! HOW CAN YOU THINK-"

"He loves you, yes," Paul says, still in a cool tone. Kurt feels his face heat up, embarrassed that he's yelling; embarrassed that he's allowing himself to become this vulnerable to someone he hardly knows.

"Do you think I didn't watch the videos?" Paul asks. "I did. I've seen every single one. I gave them to you so you could understand what he felt and what he went through. I couldn't let him die without- yes _die_," Paul repeats as Kurt's breath hitches, "because I thought he would, or might, or could… I couldn't let that happen without you knowing how much you put him through. Bullying was his way of communicating his feelings for you, but you in turn hurt him almost as much; not physically, no, that he did himself, but emotionally. I didn't know about the cuts, or anything he'd done to himself. I admit I was blind to it, but he did it because he was trying to release the pain he felt because of you.

David hurt inside and he felt alone. He felt ashamed of who he was and even as he was beginning to turn around, he felt alone. Having you there; having you come back and seeing you again helped him, but I can't help but to think that it also caused his situation. I'm not blaming you. Like I said you had nothing to do with what those boys did to him, but… he wasn't ready. He wasn't ready to come out, or to face the world without his mask on. I would have rather had him be who he was… is, but he wasn't ready."

Kurt was shaking now; Paul Karofsky's words sinking into his soul as he listened, images of that night at Prom and of some nights in the summer flashing before his mind's eye. He should have seen the signs that Dave was in trouble… _I should have known…_

"But you don't love him," Paul continues. "You've seen the videos and you mistook your guilt for love. I'm sorry. I must admit that I gave you the videos with some sort of spite deep down. I wanted you to know just how much pain he was in. I wanted you to understand who he was. Whatever he told you, or however he seemed around you, the real him was hurting so… so much.

You think you've come to love him because of his pain, but you haven't. You _understand_ him. For now that's enough and _that_ is what I wanted when I gave you the videos. I don't care if you do come to love my son in the future. That's fine with me. He's my son and I want him to be happy and I will love him like I have _always_ loved him. That isn't the issue.

The issue is that you feel guilty. You feel that way and I know because _I_ felt that way when I was watching the videos. I realized however, that David is his own man and he made his decisions because he felt alone. He certainly couldn't tell you what he's tried to in the videos. How could you ever reciprocate his love? He hurt you and you can't even fathom why. You think it's because he relates to you, but it's not. He has nothing in common with you besides his homosexuality.

No… He loved you because you were kind to him. You showed mercy and forgiveness, but before that he loved you because of your strength and will; because you loved yourself and, inadvertently that same quality in him which he _hated_ in himself. He loved you because you weren't afraid to be you and in turn inspired him to accept himself; to accept something he'd pushed away from his entire life."

Kurt's ears were ringing. All of these words resonated in his mind, sinking gradually into his soul. Paul was right. Guilt was not love.

"So I need you to stop," the man continued. "I need you to continue your own life. I need you to forget. I know that's a hard thing to do, almost impossible… but I need you to forget that pain you saw. You understand it now and that is all you need to know. You now know why and how much he loved you and how much he hurt. You know why he hurt you. You know what he did to himself and you know what he decided to do _by_ himself.

You know it's not your fault. What happened to him was the fault of others; the ones who hurt him. Not you. Not anything you did, or anything you are. You know that he's alive and well now. That is _all_ you need to know."

"I…" Kurt began, but he couldn't finish… What could he say? He wants to see David, but what would he do now? What could he say to the boy who loves him? If he couldn't say 'I love you, too' to Blaine, the boy who picked him up and loved him, how could he say it to Dave? How could he say what he realizes he doesn't feel.

"I don't know what else to say to you, Kurt," Paul Karofsky says. "You're at the time in your life where love seems like the only thing that you have control over. You can't know your future because you can't stop looking into your past. You wish to go back and change what little mistakes you've made, but you don't understand that those mistakes are what made you who you are now.

I know. I've been there. I was your age once, and I know that sounds cliché, but it's true. While I don't know what it's like to be a gay man, I do know what it's like to be in love and I can tell you: that doesn't happen in high school. You're in love with being in love and you think it's going to last. Sometimes you're lucky and it does, but most times you just realize that love isn't an emotion that your young heart can truly feel until you get older and have lived more.

Being in love is different from having a crush, or feeling butterflies in your stomach when you talk to someone or hold their hand. Love is knowing a person inside and out because you've spent time with them and know what they feel for you and why. Love is sacrificing all you have because you can't imagine being without the other person. You never knew David. Have you ever really known anyone?"

"No…" Kurt admits. "but what about love at first sight?" At this Paul actually chuckles.

"You loved David at first sight?" he asks. Kurt reddens.

"No," he says. "but I've heard of-"

"We've all heard of it, but in truth it doesn't exist," Paul cuts him off. "Loving someone from the first moment you see them? No. You wouldn't do anything you could for someone without knowing them. You may have a connection with them; maybe feel enamored or infatuated with them, but you can't love them. Who was the first person you fell in love with, Kurt. And why?"

"Blaine," Kurt says easily," I fell for him because… because he was like me."

"Because he was gay?" Paul asks.

"Yes," Kurt affirms and realizes how ridiculous it sounds. "I thought I did." Kurt explains his meeting Blaine and how their relationship progressed and ended.

"I can see why," Paul replies softly, almost tenderly and it reminds Kurt of how Dave had sounded when he apologized to him in the hallway. "You thought he was perfect because he seemed to understand you. You think he and you went through the same thing, but it seems to me you're quite different from him. He knows what you've been through, and I'd venture to guess that a lot of gay men would know, gay women too, but I don't think that's enough reason to fall in love. It sounds like you didn't either since you broke up with him."

"No…" Kurt admits. "I thought that since he was good to me, shared my experiences and some of my dreams… that we were meant to be together," Kurt laughs as he says it, feeling foolish. "I realized that he was just a mirror for a life I thought I wanted, and I didn't see the cracks in the polished glass… or rather… I refused to see them."

"Sounds like you understand now," Paul says warmly.

"I do," Kurt replies.

"We've talked enough for now," the man says. "We can talk again after you've had some more time to think. I think you have some things you need to work out now. Until then, take care, Kurt."

"Thank you," Kurt whispers and hangs up. "I'm fine," he screams up the stairs. The pounding stopped a little while ago, but he could feel someone was still there. Sure enough, a few moments later he heard someone getting up – they must have been sitting against the door – and walk away.

Slowly, Kurt breathes deeply. In. Out. He catches a whiff of Dave's scent and looks down at the jacket sitting in his lap. The fabric is a tad darker in the gloomy atmosphere of the basement bedroom, but the scent is almost stronger that way. His nose makes up for what his eyes can't see in the dark. The scent is still comforting for him, but now it has new meaning. He now understands that it wasn't love that he felt for David Karofsky. _Pity. Guilt. _The words come back to his mind and he closes his eyes.

_I don't love David Karofsky. I… could… but I don't. I care about him. I _understand_ him… but I don't love him._

He mulls these thoughts over in his head and breathes calmly, almost as if he's meditating. Paul Karofsky was right. David had hurt so much and seeing that pain caused a reaction in Kurt that he didn't understand. He supposed it was kind of like a hysterical pregnancy; making your body think it's feeling or doing something out of desperation. He didn't _understand_ what he was feeling. He's never really been able to, he realizes.

He lies there with his eyes closed, thinking of what Dave really means to him.

_He's like I was before I came out: afraid, alone… He's searching, trying to be strong until he finds himself. I do care about him. Deeply. I think I might love him, or that I could at least. It's very close to it, but I want to love him when he's happy. I don't want to see him hurt. I don't want to love him because of me, but because he's him; because he's finally accepted himself. I want him to be happy. God, what was I doing before? All of those unnecessary tears shed… all of that depression… all because I didn't understand…_

Slowly, Kurt drifts in his mind. He's thinking of Dave and of Blaine, even of Finn. He thinks about all of those times he thought he fell in love. He thinks of holding hands and kissing lips. He thinks of wasted afternoons and misused words; all in an attempt to feel something he couldn't understand. Finally, he thinks of the warmth of David's hand in his; how amazing it felt.

_Yes… I could come to love him, _he decides and then the thoughts cease as he lets sleep claim him.

**OK, that's it for number eleven! I hope you all enjoyed this. It's longer and different from the others, but I hope it answers some questions. I know a lot of people hate Dave for bullying Kurt, but a lot of them don't understand that Dave was in a lot of pain as well.**

**It's never easy to see this type of pain and while it goes unnoticed, it gets stronger. People feel alone and while bullying is never the right way to express your feelings, we have to understand that sometimes people can't find another way. It might be environment, family, or friends, or sometimes it's self –inflicted, but pain is always present and always the cause of bullying and hate. Self-loathing or lack of self-esteem comes from this pain and while it doesn't excuse their actions, bullies act on these emotions and lash out against others, usually against the ones they actually care about or relate to most.**

**Please take time to understand this as I know a lot of people don't like or want to understand Dave. He's a fictional character yes, but he represents so many **_**real**_** people; people who hurt; people who feel alone and whether they ever admit it or not, the pain is there. I'm not saying there aren't just bad people, but often times we neglect, or refuse to see the signs that lead to bullying.**

**Sorry for being so long-winded this chapter, but please: if you know someone, or have known someone like Dave, or Kurt, don't make rushed assumptions about them. Take time to understand. After all, ignorance is often the cause of hate and understanding, the cure. XOXO**

**~Jay**


	12. Chapter 12

**Well, Dave's awake! No we get to see how Kurt reacts and how he reacts to Kurt. The conversation between Paul and Kurt will surely play a huge part in Kurt's reaction, but what will happen when the two boys meet? Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Twelve**

"_I NEED YOU!"_—he hears it over and over; his ears are ringing - his brain is ringing with the echoes of those three words.

Dave Karofsky wakes up groggily, his eyes are still closed as he pushes himself up and rubs at his face. Initially, he wonders why his alarm clock hasn't sounded; he can feel the heat from the daylight filtering in through the curtains of his window.

_It must be nearly noon now or something_, he thinks, rubbing his eyes and yawning loudly. He can faintly hear beeping and humming and, confusedly, he rubs at his arms, finding odd tubes in his wrists.

His eyes snap open and pass over the room – not his after all. _No wonder about the alarm clock_, he thinks. Squinting a bit, Dave takes in the odd, sterile scene in front of him. The lights above are off, but light is filtering in through the window's shades from across the room. He stares for a moment, noting how the bars of light and shadow make a pattern on the white, tiled floor.

_How long have I been out? Fuck! I can't remember a damn thing_, he groans, rubbing at his temples. His hands work their way down his face, tracing over his large nose and slightly skinnier cheeks, grizzled with short whiskers, before moving down to his lips.

_What the-?_ His lips feel soft and slightly wet, not chapped and dried out like one would expect after spending such a long time – at least he imagines a long time – at the hospital. Licking at them, he tastes cinnamon –_ What the fuck,_ he wonders, taking a finger and rubbing off a little bit of the gloss. He stares at it for a minute, his brows coming together in deep thought.

_This… this looks like something Kurt would… _"Kurt…" he whispers absently, putting his fingers back to his lips. _Did he visit me? Is this his?_

Dave closes his eyes again, trying to remember something – anything – that would indicate Kurt's presence.

"_I NEED YOU!"_

The large boy's eyes snap open, his breathing getting heavier. "No fucking way," he says aloud. _Kurt Hummel would never have said that about me._ _I'm out of my fucking mind! Those guys must have given me a really good blow to the head. There's just no fucking way…_

Suddenly he's staring at his hands, watching as his fingers shake. They feel funny; an odd, warm tingle, permeating through the skin from his bones. _He touched me_, he thinks, his heart beginning to race. The sudden uptake in the beeping rouses him from his musings.

A second later, a nurse rushes in, pager in hand, ready to call for help. She stops in the doorway, her brown hair tied back into a neat ponytail and her blue scrubs, dotted with pink, yellow, and white circles rustling as she takes a few tentative steps towards Dave's bed.

"Mr. Karofsky?" she asks apprehensively. When he nods, she relaxes a bit, a wide smile parting her lips.

"You had me worried," she says, putting her hand up to her chest. She walks over to the heart monitor and looks at it for a moment before shaking her head and turning back to the bed. "How long have you been up?" she asks as she takes a clipboard off of its bracket near the bed and flips through it.

"Just a little while," he mutters.

"Well, I'm Corrine, your nurse," she says, not looking up from the clipboard; she's jotting down a few things as she asks him questions. As soon as she finishes, she checks his wrists and chest, looks back at the machines, and walks towards the door, saying, "I'll go and find the doctor. I'll be back as soon as I can, so don't get up or move, or anything, got it?" Dave nods and she smiles before walking out and shutting the door softly behind her.

For a few moments, he doesn't quite know what to do and decides to wait. He could ask questions later; see if Kurt had really come after all or if it was all just in his dreams – a cruel trick of his subconscious. Looking out of the window through a small gap in the blinds, Dave can see small, white puffs crawling across a blue background. _I must be high up_, he thinks absently.

At least seven minutes pass before Corrine returns, a tall black man with short gray hair and a white coat following after her. The doctor takes his time examining Dave; his eyes, mouth, chest, arms, legs, back, and all of the things that Dave failed to notice were bruised.

"They did a real number on me, huh?" he asks. Corrine looks concernedly at him, but the doctor, Dr. Bennet M.D., chuckles at him.

"That they did, Mr. Karofsky," the man says, "Open your mouth please – say _ah_." Dave complies and the doctor adds, "They were caught not too long after; the trial is all over the news. They might ask you to testify, but I suggest you focus on getting back to your old self."

"My old self…" Dave mutters. "My old self got me into all of this mess in the first place. I don't want to be my old self." Corrine looks at him, a sad smile on her face. Dave doesn't like it and looks back at the doctor. _I don't need pity_, he thinks. _She doesn't know me…_

"Your old self couldn't have been that bad," Dr. Bennet says. He gestures to the small table on the opposite side of the machines that Dave must have missed.

Stacks of cards, assorted baskets, stuffed animals, notes, and wrapped boxes of various sizes, patterns, and colors were piled on the table and two accompanying chairs, looking like Christmas.

"You had a lot of visitors," Corrine says brightly, "Especially one…" Dave's eyes dart to hers and there's a knowing look in hers that makes him tense. _She knows. How many people know?_

But there was no judgment in her eyes; she just stared at him, smiling. The doctor, done with his examination, stands up and walks over to the door, scribbling in his clipboard.

"I'll need to run some more tests later. We'll need to scan you to see how your bones have healed and for any lingering internal damage."

Dave nods and watches him leave before looking back at the nurse. Corrine's checking his I.V. fluids and pressing buttons on some machine, but he knows she's listening; waiting for him to ask.

"How long have I been here?"

"A couple of months. It's October 15."

"H- how many times…" he stutters, swallowing nervously, "H- how often did he –"

"Almost every day for the past month and a half," she answers before he can finish. She turns towards him with an unassuming look on her face, but there's something in her eyes that Dave can't quite put his finger on. "Does he mean something to you?" she asks after a while.

Dave blinks, surprised by the question. She's looking straight at him now, her eyes boring into his. _It's curiosity_, he realizes; the look in her eyes that he couldn't place before. He hadn't been looking for it. He'd been looking for hatred, or judgment, or disgust; anything but curiosity and it surprised him.

"You don't…" he starts. She stares at him for a moment, squinting before shaking her head slowly and smiling.

"It's not my job to make those sorts of judgments," she says evenly. "I just thought he might have meant something special to you. You seem to mean a lot to him after all; like I said, he's been here nearly every day."

"I love him," Dave says easily – that surprises him too.

She nods and says, "Again, it's not really any of my business. I just thought you ought to know," and walks towards the door. Before exiting, she takes one last look at him and smiles again. This time, he smiles back.

* * *

><p>Kurt doesn't visit again. He knows it would only be awkward for the both of them if he showed up now – besides, he promised Paul; he's allowed to call him Paul now. They've been speaking for a couple of weeks. Kurt has had a lot of questions and Paul seems not to mind.<p>

It's a strange friendship, if you'd call it that, but one Kurt feels determined to work out. Ever since their first conversation on the phone, he has been rethinking his whole life. He's finding new perspective on his relationships with people. Paul seems to be someone he can trust and talk to – not in person, but talk to all the same.

"David is coming home next weekend," the man says one day; a week ago actually. Kurt sits silently for a while; Paul the same way on the other side, both of them thinking about the meeting they would undoubtedly have. Paul breaks the silence, saying, "You should come by on the day after. That'll be Sunday."

"That's fine," Kurt answers. Then they return to the previous conversation as if nothing happened.

* * *

><p>Now Kurt is sitting across from Dave, the larger boy's head is down, not wanting to meet his eye.<p>

"Why won't you talk to me?" Kurt asks him. "I've come to see you almost every day. Why won't you talk to me now, knowing how long I've waited?"

"You…" Dave mutters, and then he's silent again. Kurt sighs and leans back in his chair across from where Dave is sitting with his feet up on the couch. He watches as the large teen plays with the fringes of the woven blanket covering his lap.

"I'm just trying to talk to you," Kurt mutters in frustration after a while. "I want to know what happened. You weren't in school that day. I want to know what they did and why your dad gave me notice when they found you."

"You saw the videos?" Dave asks, though it sounds more like an accusation. He's looking up at Kurt now, his brows furrowed and his eyes molten green.

"Y- yes," Kurt replies looking down at his own hands. He can't take the gaze much longer.

"You watched all of them?" Dave asks again in the same accusatory tone. Kurt nods, feeling like a child caught snatching a piece of candy.

"Your dad showed them to me… or rather, he gave them to me on a flash drive," Kurt says. "He said it would help me to understand where you were comi—"

"He had no right," Dave says, not shouting, but in a stern, cold voice that makes Kurt flinch.

"I didn't know…" Kurt whispers; his voice isn't strong enough anymore. He looks pleadingly at the larger boy and for a few minutes they just stare into each other's eyes, searching.

"I love you," Dave says suddenly. Kurt's mouth opens, his eyes wide. He wants to say it too. He wants to touch him, to feel him, but he knows he can't.

Dave's brows furrow again and he looks away, blinking back tears. Kurt reaches out a hand, wanting to make Dave look at him again. _It's too much right now_, he wants to say.

"Get out."

"What?"

"Get out. Just leave."

"David, I—"

"Get out!"

* * *

><p>That night, Kurt cries into his pillow, the red letterman jacket he stole from Dave's locker draped over his shoulders. <em>I love you too.<em>

**No more videos, obviously. The chapters are winding down now; there will probably only be three more. I hope you all have enjoyed the ride. XOXO**

**~Jay**


	13. Chapter 13

**Not much to say about this one. I'll let the story speak for itself. I really appreciate all of the readers – you guys are awesome. This series is obviously not an easy one to read, but hopefully, you guys have enjoyed it and gotten something from it so far. Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Thirteen**

Dave watches the clock on the wall, his hazel eyes glued to the smallest hand, ticking away the final seconds of the school day.

It's his first day back at McKinley. He's spent most of the first semester in a coma, but coming back was much easier than he thought it would be. It only took three weeks to get caught up on two and a half months of missed lessons and homework, though, because of his predicament, his teachers waved most of his homework.

Dave decides to take things slow; he still has to walk with crutches, but more than that, he's taking his time in readjusting to normal, high school life. The other jocks just want him back on the football team, making him feel like a prize pig to be shown off.

Azimio doesn't talk to him much anymore. _He knows too_, Dave decides and doesn't initiate any conversations with him for fear of pushing him away completely.

The last bell finally rings, signaling the end of the school day. Dave is the last one to leave the classroom, waiting patiently as the other students file past him. Some of them look back at him with quick, pitying glances, probably wondering whether they should offer to help him carry his things, but deciding against it.

_All of them know why I was in the hospital by now,_ he thinks. _They still fear me too I bet; all of the shit I've done… Fuck! Why did I come back? Why the hell did I decide to put myself through all of this shit? Why did I even wake up?_

The answer greets him at the door, its glasz eyes staring him down, willing him to understand; to forgive. But he doesn't want to forgive. He doesn't want to understand why his secrets have been leaked, or to how many people. Dave doesn't want to know why the beautiful boy in front of him, the cause of all his anguish and yet the only source of light and hope in his dark world, is crying.

_Wait, he's crying?_

"K—"

"I can't."

"What?"

"I- I can't say it… I can't say _I love you too_."

Dave stands midway towards the door from his desk with his bag slung lazily around his shoulder and his book in the crook of his armpit. His hands tighten around the handles of his crutches and his brows furrow.

"I didn't ask you to say it back," he says coldly. "I just said it. I don't care how you feel – I don't want you to love me back," he lies.

"Why not?" Kurt asks, taken aback.

"Because it would hurt too much," Dave replies. "Because you know too much about me. You know all of the stupid shit I did on the videos and I can't be near you after that…"

Kurt stands in the doorway, his expression not understanding.

"You feel sorry for me. You've seen me at my most vulnerable," Dave continues. "I can't let you love me now…"

"That's so fucking stupid, David!" Kurt screams at him; people in the hallway pause to stare. Dave blanks. He's never heard Kurt curse before and for some reason the two things just don't connect in his mind.

"I don't care about all of that! I just came to you to talk. I wanted to know what happened to you. I wanted _you_ to tell me all of those things! Move along you stupid assholes!" Kurt shouts at the spectators. Some of them grimace before scurrying away.

Kurt groans and steps fully into the classroom, closing the door behind him and pulling down the little screen on its window. Dave backs away, retreating to his desk and plopping down in the chair. He's uncertain; the thought of being alone with Kurt thrills him as much as it scares him.

"Why are you doing this?" Kurt mumbles, not yet turning to face Dave. "Why do you keep pushing me away time and time again?"

Dave doesn't answer, but thinks, _because I'm too weak to be your man. I should be able to protect you and stand up for you, but I can't… I never could. You saw on those videos how pathetic I really am... _He can't tell him that – it sounds too stupid and he doesn't want to admit it anyway. He doesn't want any of this.

"David… I don't know if I love you," Kurt says after a while. "I think I could, but I'm just not sure. I'm not even sure if I should even _ like _ you… Our relationship, our history has never been anywhere near loving; we weren't even friends. You can't expect me to just forget all of that."

Dave's frowns and makes to respond, but Kurt forestalls him saying, "No, I don't feel sorry for you. I should, and I thought I did, but I realize I didn't really know you enough. I still don't."

The jock's mind goes to the videos. _You know enough about me – more than anybody else ever will… _Kurt turns and gazes into his face; Dave can feel the boy's eyes tracing over every pore before they fix onto his own eyes.

_My god, you're so fucking beautiful…_

"The videos…" Kurt mutters. Dave tenses as the topic rears its grotesque head again. "They told me about your pain, but honestly, I already knew, or at least I had some idea. I'm not stupid, David."

"How?"

"I know about people like you. It took me a while, and it took the videos and your father to verify my assumptions, but anyone could tell that you were in pain. I just didn't know the extent. I didn't know about you mutilating yourself, but I saw the lack of sleep in your eyes, I saw the paleness in your face – even when you were shoving me into lockers, I felt how weak you'd become."

Tears were forcing their way up and into Dave's eyes now. He blinked them back and they stung as they pooled around the corners of his lids.

"How the fuck did you know about all of this? Why didn't you ever say anything?" Dave attacks. "If you knew, why didn't you say anything? That's what I wanted! I fucking wanted a response, Kurt!"

"A response?" Kurt spits back. "What are you, a child? You wanted a response? David, you were in calculus last year so I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're not completely devoid of brain cells when I say this: If you wanted a response; if you wanted me to say something, then you should have _talked_ to me!"

Dave and Kurt look at each other, staring into each other's faces. Kurt's face softens and he moves closer. Dave tenses again, his body reacting naturally, chemically to the other boy's.

"I'm not a mind reader," Kurt says softly. "I'm only nearly eighteen years old. I'm not good at this stuff. I haven't lived and I don't know how to do this with you. As a teenager, high school consumes my life and my energy so I don't have time to play your juvenile games and figure you out. I haven't even figured _me_ out."

Kurt is a mere foot away now, his heat radiating and resonating with Dave's – both of them feel it and neither of them seems to deny its presence. Kurt reaches out a slender white hand to Dave's forehead, brushing back the hairs on his brow. His fingers feel cool and light as they play in Dave's locks, leaving a tingle wherever they touch his skin. Dave half closes his eyes, savoring the intimate touch.

"I really do love you," he whispers.

"I know," Kurt replies softly. "You kissed me. I felt so much in that kiss, but I thought that you were just confused. I didn't want to understand you then… you terrified me."

"I'm sorr –"

"I know, David. I've already forgiven you and even if I hadn't, I would have the second I saw you lying in that hospital bed," Kurt replies.

"So you did feel sorry for me – Don't deny it!" Dave says bitterly.

"No. I felt scared for you. It was only a few months before that when you apologized and started to change. I couldn't hate you, and I _didn't_ feel sorry for you."

"Then why did you come every day? Why did you touch me?" Dave asks and both of them redden. "Y- you put chap stick on my lips…"

"I missed you," Kurt answers. "I missed what you were becoming. You regressed at Prom, but in all fairness, I did push you a bit too much. I guess I was just upset and ready to show them all that I wasn't afraid of them… that I wasn't alone…"

Dave looks up at this, surprised and curious. "You had Blaine though."

"Yes… Blaine..." Kurt says wanly. Dave's heart skips a beat.

"Do you love him? Do you even like _me_?" he asks.

"Of course I like you," Kurt replies, chuckling. "I just don't think we should be in that kind of relationship. Blaine on the other hand… I don't know…" Dave frowns, his heart falling into his stomach at Kurt's words.

"I know how you feel about me, but I honestly don't know how I feel about you. It's going to take some time. I have a lot of growing up to do – so do you. Blaine and I were together, but I put him aside for you and that's not fair."

Dave grimaces. He knows Kurt is right, but the fact that Blaine has had Kurt in his arms; that he's kissed Kurt's lips, makes him hate the dapper boy.

"Don't look like that!" Kurt chides. "He was there for me – He still is. He loves me too, you know?" Dave glares at Kurt, but his gaze immediately softens when their eyes meet.

"I know…" he replies.

"We're getting back together, Blaine and I. He's good for me, and he's here now so I can't just ignore him. He came to McKinley for me…" Kurt says, his voice a little sad.

"Great," Dave mutters, "so I'm alone again."

"Shut up," Kurt says, slapping the larger teen gently on the shoulder. "You're not alone. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Just because we're not _together_ together, doesn't mean I don't care about you."

"Seems like it," Dave pouts.

"We're going to be good friends, you and I," Kurt says, chuckling. Dave smiles sarcastically, still a little hurt.

"But you know how I feel about you. You're going to make me wait and it's not fair," he complains.

"David," Kurt says shaking his head, "you don't have to wait for me. If you think that we're the only gays in this school, then I take back what I said before: you are an idiot. Just because they don't advertise it doesn't mean there aren't more guys like us. You could have any of them. You're still popular believe it or not. Even if you were sort of outed, people still see you on top, and being a kind of martyr is bound to help a bit."

"Maybe…" Dave mutters, "but even if I do date someone else, they won't be _you_. I want _you_, Kurt, not anyone else, I don't care who they are." Kurt blushes a bit and Dave stares into his eyes, his own molten green ones, piercing and determined.

"Dave…"

"Whatever… it's fine, I'll wait."

"What?"

"You heard me: I'll wait."

The two of them stare at each other, Kurt's face flushed and surprised, Dave's steely with resolve.

"What are you talking about, David?" Kurt asks breathlessly.

"I said I'd wait, Fancy," Dave declares again. "I don't want anyone else and I don't think I ever will. I know it sounds stupid, or whatever, but I don't give a fuck." Dave pushes himself up, new strength pulsating through his body. Kurt instinctively reaches for the crutches, holding them out to Dave who reaches out.

Instead of taking the crutches however, Dave grips Kurt's hands, making him drop one of them. Slowly, gently, Dave pulls the slender boy towards him. His arms wrap around Kurt's waist, the hairs on them bristling from some unseen energy that forms in between them.

"I love you," he says, drawing Kurt nearer; their faces barely inches apart. "I love you and I'll wait."

"David… we can't…" Kurt whimpers, though his head leans forward at the same time.

And then they're kissing again; this time sweetly, Kurt reciprocating as his longing from the hospital wells back up into him, his chest heaving with desire. Dave moans into the kiss, the sound resonating with one of Kurt's own. It's passionate; loving, Dave whispering, "I'll wait. I'll wait." all the while.

**Well, that's it for number thirteen. I hope you all enjoyed it. Let me know what you think! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	14. Chapter 14

**Late Late Late! Here's fourteen! I know it's been a while since my last update, but life gets busy as I'm sure your's have gotten! SYAKC Part 2 will continue soon and this one will be ending. I might do something else with it, but we'll see. SYAKC pt2 has been neglected because I had so much more emotional investment here, but I promise to get back to it ASAP! Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Fourteen**

"Three months can do a guy a lot of good, eh Karofsky?" Coach Bieste asked, punching Dave in the arm gently as the team jogged off of the field. Dave smiled, his heart beating wildly, his blood boiling and burning through him.

It felt absolutely amazing to be back on the field. The power over his own arms and legs returning gave him a huge boost of confidence, making him appreciate every little thing from being able to grip his morning cup of OJ to sprinting down the field during drills. He'd taken it all for granted before, but not now. No, now he was going to make sure he was as strong as he could be – especially with what was on the line.

As the last few stragglers departed the locker room, Dave found himself alone with Azimio for the first time in nearly a month. The shock of it kept him silent for a bit; he just watched as the other boy eyed him, seemingly scanning him.

"You look better," Az grunted nervously. Dave hated this game. Every time they had argued in the past, making up was always painfully embarrassing.

"Look," Dave said through a sigh, "I know you know. How's about you just stop pretending. I almost wish you'd just yell at me or punch me or something, man."

Az just stared at his feet. The moments passed by in silence; the awkwardness building between them.

"I… I don't know what to say really," Az said after a while. Dave sighed again, wracking his own brain for something to talk about. What did you say in this kind of situation? What did you say to your best friend, who you've known for years, but who's never really known you? How had Kurt done it?

_He wasn't exactly that great at hiding it though, _Dave said to himself. There was no real shock when Kurt came out. It was more of a general "no duh" moment for everyone else.

"I don't know," Dave started, "yell at me about not telling you, or… or say… fuck, I don't know man, just say something!"

Az stared at him with a look of confusion. It was as if he thought things would be different or easier. "Well," he stuttered, "Y- you _should_ have told me…" he said a little defensively. "I mean it's not like I'm good with this shit, D. How am I supposed to know what to do? I've never been friends with a – you know…"

"A what?" Dave muttered, but didn't pursue it when Az gave him a meek shrug. "Look, man," he said, "you were friends with a – a whatever. You just didn't know it. Hell, I guess I wanted to tell you, but, I mean, come on! You know how we were to Kurt. I- I just didn't want to have to put up with that shit too."

"I would've had your back!" Az argued. At this Dave actually laughed.

"Do you have my back now?" he asked.

"I…"

Silence. Dave watched as Azimio's face contorted into a confused grimace. He could see how awkward this was, but he didn't really know how to make it any better.

"Just forget it."

"What? I- I don't care, dude – really!"

"You do."

"N-"

"Az, you do. I can see it. Everyone cares. Nothing's the same even though you guys try and pretend they are," Dave said. He sighed and draped a towel he was using to dry his hair with over his shoulders. Sitting down on the bench in front of his locker, he turned to face the other boy, looking straight into his eyes.

"I can see it, Az," Dave said. "I see the way you guys act now; the little changes in your language and speech. I'm a meathead like the rest of you, but I'm not quite the same guy, right?"

Azimio took a seat opposite Dave and started playing with the strap on his gym bag. Dave shook his head and chuckled a little, startling the other boy slightly.

"What?" Az asked nervously.

Dave shook his head. "I'm the same damn person, Az. I still like video games; I still eat too much red meat; I still love football and sports. I'm still me. I know that sounds stupid, and to tell you the truth, I had to convince myself when I started figuring out I was – y'know… But I swear to god, if you dumbasses keep acting like a bunch of douches around me, I will kick all of your asses."

"What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean! Covering yourselves every time I walk into the showers; blushing when I complement you on something; all of that shit! I mean, I thought _I_ was the gay one, but you guys are the ones acting all sensitive!" Azimio chuckled too. It was the first time the two boys had sat and had a laugh together since before the incident.

"You calling me a pansy, Karofsky," Az joked.

"No, man, just wondering how much fairy dust you've been sprinkling over your cereal every morning," Dave retorted. Both of them laughed again, this time more freely; it was more to do with the fact that somehow, in some weird, unexplainable way, the two of them were OK again.

"So…" Az said as the two friends walked out into the parking lot. There was still snow on the ground and the air still had some bite to it, but somehow, Dave felt very warm.

"So what?" Dave asked with a smirk.

"Come on man," Az groaned, "You know _what_."

"Seriously, dude," Dave chuckled. "_What_?"

"Kurt," Az whispered, though there was nobody else in the lot. Dave's stomach flipped inside him. He bit his lip and busied himself with brushing the small accumulation of snow on the hood of his truck.

"I don't know…" Dave admitted. "We… I don't know…"

Kurt stuck to his guns, staying true to his original plan to stay with Blaine. It ate Dave up thinking about the dapper, now McKinley student getting to have Kurt on his arm. It was agonizing having to see them in the hallways and lunchroom. Although Kurt had predicted that he and Blaine would fizzle, it never seemed like it to Dave. The two still seemed perfect for each other, like a set of porcelain figurines slowly revolving in a perpetual bliss. They never fought, or even argued from what Dave could see.

The worst part of it was that Kurt never gave him any indication that he was unhappy. If Dave had seen even an inkling of something amiss between them, he'd have been there in a flash, wedging his way in the middle.

"You seem to be getting along more," Az noted, bringing Dave out of his stupor.

"We do," Dave grunted, still a little bitterly. "I guess we do… I don't know…"

"What do you mean you don't know? You two spend a good deal of time together," Az said, jabbing Dave's arm jokingly. "Why don't you just admit it: Prom King and Queen are finally together," Az said laughing. He stopped however, when Dave didn't join in.

"Don't bring that up dude," Dave groaned, leaning on the door of his truck. "That's what started all of this shit. An Kurt and I _aren't _together. He's with Blaine."

"The new kid?" Az asked in surprise. "Dude, I thought they were like related or something…"

"The fuck?" Dave asked. He couldn't help but to laugh, grabbing a stitch forming in his side.

"Yeah, I thought they were siblings, or some shit," Az said, chuckling a bit too. "They never do any boyfriend stuff. I mean, I've never seen them kiss or anything, so I just thought they were friends or something." Dave positively beamed at the other boy.

"Dude, you just made my life!" he laughed.

"What?" Az said confusedly.

"You're right…" Dave whispered, more to himself. "I guess I've been brooding over them being together to notice, but maybe they _are_ fizzling out…"

"Dude, what are you talking about?"

"Kurt and Blaine."

"What?"

"Kurt said that they were going to fizzle out one day. Y'know, like die out as a relationship. So maybe I do have a shot! I've been looking for signs of them fighting or arguing, but I guess maybe they could just get bored of each other too. Maybe I've just been missing stuff… I tend to do that when I get emotionally involved…"

"OK…."

Dave spun around in the middle of the parking lot, pumping his fist in the air. Azimio grabbed his arm, "Calm the fuck down, man, you're scaring me!" Dave laughed and pulled the other boy into a bear hug, lifting him off of the ground a bit.

"What the fuck—"

"Dude, this is huge!" Dave beamed, dropping a confused and frazzled Azimio back onto his feet. "You gotta keep watching them. I can't do it cuz I can't think of anything else but pouring a huge red slushie over Blaine's head whenever I'm with them."

"Uh, OK…" Az stuttered. "But what do I do? You want me to break them up or something?"

"No, No," Dave said. "Just watch them. Kurt said that if he and Blaine ever broke up, I could get my shot. I've made friends with them, even fucking got close to the other Gleeks so I'd have an excuse to be around Kurt, but it's driving me fucking insane seeing them together! Just let me know what you think is happening between them. Maybe they are getting bored of each other like Kurt said they would."

"OK, OK," Az said in submission. "But it could take a while, D."

"I don't care."

"What?"

"I told him I'd wait."

"You did _what?_"

"What? I told Kurt I'd wait."

"…"

"…"

"Fucking pansy."

"What?"

"I'm going home, D. Kurt's got you fucking whipped."

"The fuck… No he doesn't... Fuck you!"

Az laughed as he got into his car; Dave flipping him off as he started the ignition of his truck. As he drove home, he thought about Kurt. He'd wait, he knew he would.

* * *

><p>Kurt sat staring at his reflection in the mirror. He watched his hands as they smoothed moisturizer on his face, rubbing them into his forehead, cheeks, and chin. He felt them, but it was like he wasn't controlling them; he was like an idler watching a dance, or a spectator viewing a play. He knew the routine, knew the plot, but he was too bored to really pay attention.<p>

The whole time he'd been getting ready, he was thinking about David. What was he doing? Who was he with?

Looking into the mirror of his vanity, Kurt kept glancing at the red jacket laying on his bed. He'd meant to give it back long ago, but he saw Dave wearing a new one as he walked down the halls, joking with his friends. The boy had never asked and apparently Paul had never told him the whereabouts of his lost – technically stolen – letterman.

"Kurt, are you almost ready?" Burt shouted down from the top of the stairs.

"Yeah," Kurt replied, snapping out of his musings. While he daydreamed his hands had finished applying the moisturizer, combed and gelled his hair back, straightened the collar on his powder blue button up, and managed to pull on his suit jacket. "Huh…" he huffed, staring at his hands dubiously.

Kurt climbed the stairs up to the main floor and entered the living room. A dapper Blaine dressed in a simple black tuxedo rose from the couch to meet him, pulling him into a stiff hug and pinning a crimson-rosed corsage onto the pocket of Kurt's suit jacket.

"No kilt this year?" Blaine said in mock astonishment. Kurt had to use an incredible amount of will power to keep from rolling his eyes, but he managed to smile.

"OK you two," Carole hummed, pulling the two boys side by side, "picture time!" Both of them groaned, but gave cheesy smiles nonetheless. Finn and Rachel stood patiently behind them, their turn having passed.

As the flash lit, Kurt's mind went back to the humiliation-turned-magic of last year's Junior Prom. Blaine was his knight in shining armor that night. In the face of then overwhelming adversity, he'd gotten up on the stage, been coronated as the Junior Prom Queen, and danced, although not with David Karofsky, his supposed-to-be king, but with Blaine.

It was all romantic when he thought back on it, but this year was different. He was no longer in love with Blaine. He no longer felt like nothing could touch the two of them. Instead he felt a gaping hole of confusion and desire inside of him; a desire to run; to leave everything behind and take Rachel by the hand and run – all the way to New York and Broadway. He was done with this place.

As they boarded the limousine – something that Burt had managed to come up with to surprise them for their senior year – Kurt and Blaine looked at each other. The spark was gone and both of them knew it. Blaine had been the first to admit it in his own way, choosing a school in California instead of following Kurt and Rachel to New York.

That was the final sign, though they hadn't really talked about it. It seems that both of them were ready to just let it fizzle out in the end; they would grab their bags and head to the opposite ends of the country to live their own lives – without each other.

Kurt knew it was coming, but it still hurt. Blaine, despite everything else, was still his best friend. He'd been there whenever Kurt was in need and Kurt felt extremely selfish knowing all along that he was pulling Blaine along on a string; like a dog on a leash.

But maybe Blaine had known it too. He after all, had chosen the other path. He'd chosen California when Kurt chose New York. He'd allowed Kurt to pull him along, so long as he was by his side for the time they had together. Tonight was like a last big hurrah. Nationals would be in Chicago, less glamorous, but exciting all the same. They would win this year – they had to! After that, the parting of ways; everyone moving on and up.

As they pulled up to the gymnasium with its colored lights, paper streamers and banners declaring the Senior Court candidates, Kurt spied Karofsky. He was dressed in a simple black tux again, a white dress shirt and red bow tie underneath. He had a red corsage too, but no one on his arm.

"Karofsky came stag?" Finn noted. Kurt slapped him on the arm and rolled his eyes, blushing when he caught Blaine's eye.

"This is it then," Rachel said, breaking the tension. "This is the last Prom, guys. Let's make the best of it."

"Always so dramatic," Quinn said, appearing behind them, glowing in her pale rose dress and golden curls.

"Just practicing for the future," Rachel returned. Quinn shook her head, but giggled nonetheless. She had a new man on her arm, and Kurt noticed Finn sizing him up discretely. He could never understand just why Finn felt so possessive of both Rachel and Quinn. He knew very well he couldn't have both, and yet he reminded Kurt of himself in a way. He wanted Karofsky. It was a thrilling, albeit strange thought, but he did. He wanted David Karofsky. But what if it didn't work? Who would be there to pick him up then? Blaine would be gone, and for that reason Kurt wanted him too. He wanted a fallback. He knew it was selfish, but he didn't care.

Dave caught his eye, quickly looking away like he'd been doing the past few months. Kurt didn't know what changed, but Dave said he'd wait. Would he still? Where was he going to college? All of these thoughts circled in his mind. Looking around, he saw Blaine in conversation with the others and took his chance.

"Hi," he said walking up next to the handsome jock. The others around them seemed to flow away, like water through cupped hands. He could see the apprehension mixed with longing in the boy's hazel eyes.

"Hi," Dave answered nervously.

**OK, I don't want to give too much in this next to last chapter! I hope you guys enjoyed it and I apologize for it coming so far behind the previous, but here it is! Thanks for reading and let me know what you think! XOXO**

**~Jay**


	15. Chapter 15

**This one's a little different. You might think, **_**what the hell am I reading**_** at first, but please bear with it! I promise that there is a method to my madness. This is the last chapter of TKD and I really wanted this story to be unique and unlike the others that I've written and, hopefully, unlike stories you've read. It's hard to be truly original, but I hope that, in the end, I've done something you all will enjoy and remember. Thank you for all of the support thus far! Enjoy:**

**The Karofsky Diaries**

**Fifteen**

November 15, 2019.

It had started out as a typical day for Jay; he had woken up at four in the morning, taken a ten minute shower, brushed his teeth, made a pot of coffee and toasted a cinnamon-raisin bagel, dressed in his pale-blue scrubs, grabbed his keys, and walked out to the curb to wait for the 4:45 bus.

Arriving at the front of the hulking white hospital building where he was an intern, he sighed and mentally steeled himself for the long day ahead. _Another day, another dollar,_ he said to himself as he walked through the large, sliding glass doors into the sterile-whiteness.

The hours ticked away as he made his rounds, careful to document all of his tasks and to check in periodically with his senior resident, Dr. Walker. The glamorous and important life of a world-renowned physician was light-years away and Jay felt like he was just plodding along.

At first, it had been alright; he'd been bright-eyed and eager to learn, finally escaping from the suffocating grip of small-town America to make it into the big city. It meant freedom, the chance to live out his dreams and become something: to prove to all of those backward nay-sayers back home that they hadn't broken him.

Now, however, Jay was numb: unable to quite face the day with any real feeling at all – especially now that _He_ was back in his life.

Jay entered a small, dimly lit room; on one side of it stood the hard steel and plastic machines that beeped and whirred a non-stop and frankly haunting rhythm. Even though they saved lives, Jay had always associated these machines with sickness and death.

His eyes scanned over them; the numbers, lines, codes, and pattern of the multi-colored lights told him the status of the patient. Everything was fine and he breathed an unbidden sigh of relief. Suddenly, he frowned, cursing himself for the emotion as his eyes snapped to the man lying in a bed a little ways from the machines.

Brian Heaney. The all-American nightmare from Jay's high school years lay before him. Jay's eyes involuntarily softened as he looked over the limp form. Under the soft, blue and white sheets he could see that the jock's body was beginning to thin, deteriorating from the once, begrudgingly magnificent state it had been in to something grotesque and sickly.

"Like what you see?" Heaney sneered groggily as he stirred in the bed. He sat up and looked defiantly up at Jay. "I bet you get a kick out of this, don't you?"

"If you hadn't been such an ass, you would have been so hot_,"_ Jay said. "Now here you are, in the face of your former victim, broken and weak. How does it feel? Are you ashamed; embarrassed because I'm the one who's stronger; scared because I know all of your secrets and weaknesses. You can't hurt me now. I'm not afraid of you. You were wrong about me."

"Don't get all high and mighty with me," Heaney said bitterly. "It's not my fault you're a fag."

"It's no one's _fault_," spat Jay, "because there's nothing wrong with it! We were friends Brian! I'm not the one who changed…"

"Whatever," the other man said, rolling his eyes and folding his arms over his chest. "What are you doing here anyway? Isn't it your break time?"

"You know my schedule now?" Jay asked haughtily. "You always were a crazy stalker-type. Even in high school, you were always waiting for me outside of class." Brian reddened and glared, but said nothing, taking Jay by surprise. His eyes widened in realization, the faintest tinge of pink touching over his caramel cheeks.

Heaney stared at him, his eyes searching, wondering if he'd finally figured it out, if he'd learned his last and darkest secret.

"You…" Jay began, but couldn't finish. Brian averted his eyes, fear and shame flickering in their bright green pools. Jay turned and walked out of the room hurriedly, unsure of his own emotions and of _what the hell this meant_! _He can't… I can't – _

Then a few things happened at once: stunned and shocked by the sudden realization of his old bully's secret, Jay failed to notice the slender, well-dressed man walking across his path and walked head-on into him. They collided and each was sent sprawling onto the floor. Dazed and panic-stricken, Jay scrambled to his feet and rushed over to the assist the other man.

"I am _so_ sorry!" he exclaimed. "I'm so stupid! I should've been watching where I was going!"

"It's alright, I'm fine," the man said, actually chuckling a bit. "I'm not that old!" Jay blushed as he pulled the man up to his feet. He noted the brilliant glasz eyes, the dark, chocolate-colored hair combed neatly back, and the pale, smooth skin like fine porcelain.

"Y- you're Kurt Hummel!" he gasped, bringing his hands over his mouth.

"Oh-ho!" the man said in surprise. "So I take it you're a fan of the theater?"

"Yes! I- I mean, I know I'm dressed in scrubs, but I'm a really huge theater nerd – I mean, not that it's nerdy, but—"

"OK, OK, I get it," chuckled Kurt. "Well, it's always nice to meet a fan, I guess," he said brightly, extending his hand, which Jay took nervously and shook.

"But, wait," Jay said curiously, "what in the world would you be doing here? I mean, you don't look sick or anything."

"I'm here for my husband," Kurt said, casting a sweeping look down the hallway. "I'm afraid he's gone and injured his shoulder again." Jay followed his gaze down to the end of the hall where some other nurses and interns were crowded in front of a particular door. "I see he's attracted quite a lot of attention," Kurt said absently.

The two made their way over to the crowd which parted when they saw Kurt walking towards them. They muttered excitedly, some of them, Jay's fellow interns, eyed him with a mixture of jealousy and curiosity.

Jay stopped outside of the door while Kurt strode in and walked to the side of a rather large bed. A doctor and his assistants were grouped in front and Jay couldn't see who was on the bed, though he saw that whoever it was had their feet over the side, which meant he was sitting up.

The doctor and his assistants looked over when Kurt entered and Jay realized that the doctor was his senior resident. Unconsciously, he straightened up, his back becoming rigid and his shoulders square, like a soldier; Dr. Walker ran his ward like a drill sergeant.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded of the intern. "You're on break right?"

"Y- yes s- sir," Jay replied.

"Oh, he can come in," Kurt said nonchalantly. "We bumped into each other down the hall and I found out he was a fan. I invited him to join me."

Dr. Walker glanced over at Jay and said, "It's rather uncommon, but I suppose it's fine. I suppose this is a good learning experience for you too." He motioned for the young intern to come in. "Close the door behind you, and you lot get back to work," he said.

Jay marched in, turning and closing the door as he was told. He saw that Kurt had wandered a little ways over to a small sitting area. The room itself was much larger than it looked at first glance. It had a glass partition in the middle of it, dividing it into two areas. One side was like many of the other rooms in the hospital, sterile, white and sparsely decorated. There sat the patient bed, the machines and all of the tools that the medical professionals required. The other side was obviously meant to be a comfortable waiting area with its comfortable looking chairs and a small table and television stand.

Jay supposed that this was the kind of room you got if you were rich, or famous. It reminded him of something Kurt had said back in the hallway and he glanced at the figure, still mostly hidden from view by the people fussing over him.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asked as Jay came to join him. He gestured to a seat across from himself and took out a laptop, plugging it into the outlet on the wall next to him.

Jay sat stiffly in the chair, regarding the celebrity. People like Kurt Hummel, famous stage actor and winner of three Tony Awards weren't this nice, they couldn't be. They certainly didn't invite people who had plowed into them to come and chat. Kurt looked up from the laptop and smiled, catching Jay off guard.

"What?" he asked. "Did I say something?"

"N- no," Jay stammered. "It's just… Well it's surreal is all. This doesn't happen to me too often… Actually, yes."

"Yes?" Kurt repeated, surprised. "Yes, it does happen to you a lot?"

"N- no!" Jay stammered. "I- I meant you _did_ say something. Outside. In the hallway. I'm sorry, I'm just a nervous wreck!" he chuckled.

Kurt giggled, rather adorably Jay thought, and placed the laptop on the table. "Well, what did I say?"

"Oh," Jay said, reddening a bit. "I- it was about what you were doing here. You said you were here for you husband…"

"Yes?" Kurt said, raising a brow.

"I- I mean…" Jay said, leaning forward a bit. "I didn't k- know you were…"

"Married?" Kurt guessed. "Well I like to keep my personal life, well, personal. But yes, I am married," he said, turning to look at the man on the other side of the room.

Jay followed his gaze once again and saw the crowd around the large bed thinning, revealing an equally large man with slightly curly, chestnut-brown hair and hazel eyes. Jay's mind quickly flashed back to the room on the other side of the ward where his former bully sat, probably furious that he'd revealed what he had.

Jay faintly recognized the man, but he couldn't quite remember where he had seen him. He was probably an athlete of some kind by the look of him, but Jay wasn't much interested in sports.

"You don't recognize his face huh?" Kurt asked him. Jay shook his head embarrassedly. "It's alright, If you're like me, you don't pay much attention to sports."

Jay smiled and nodded saying, "No sir. My dad tried to get me into them, but I'm… Well, let's just say that sports are not my forte."

"I understand," Kurt said with a smile. "Even though you might not recognize his face though, I'm sure you'd recognize the name. He's been on the news a lot lately; even if you're not a sports fan, you'll have heard about him." Jay looked back at the man on the bed and saw him smile at Kurt.

"Most of my fans know me as Kurt Hummel," Kurt began and Jay turned back to him, "but legally, my full name is Kurt _Karofsky_. That," he said nodding to the man, "is my husband, David Karofsy." Jay's eyes widened in recognition of the name.

For the past few months, the headlines all over Chicago had been dominated by the name Karofsky. Jay remembered a quick tidbit about him in the redeye a couple of weeks ago; it was something about the man's outstanding season thus far with five sacks, whatever those were.

"I didn't know he was gay!" Jay said before he could help himself. "I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean… I just meant that I've never heard of a gay football player…" he said, trailing off as his mind wandered back to Brian Heaney.

Kurt chuckled again. "Yes, well he's loved the sport ever since high school, though, back then he was a right guard, not a middle linebacker." Jay nodded though he didn't quite understand the terms. "Anyway," Kurt continued, "He's come a long way since then – and now he's playing for the Bears!"

"Wow," Jay said. Then, "Wait – the Bears? He's on the Bears?"

"Yes," replied Kurt curiously. "We are in Chicago, right?"

"Yes," said Jay sheepishly. "I- I just meant… Do you know of a player, Brian Heaney?"

"Oh yeah!" Kurt said, "He's a college player the Bears have been looking at. Shame he's been injured. Do you know him?"

"Yes," Jay replied. "He's here actually: in the room down the hall. That was where I came from when I bumped into you."

"Oh?" Kurt said, regarding the young intern curiously. "I thought that might have been a friend of yours."

"A friend?" Jay asked in surprise. "Why would you say that?"

"Well," began Kurt, "you looked so emotional coming out of the room. You still had fresh tears in your eyes when you crashed into me. I only assumed you must have been close to the person in there."

"No," Jay said sternly, catching Kurt by surprise. "He made my life a living hell in high school and now he's back in my life and he's—" Jay caught himself, pausing before he blabbed the boy's secret. He didn't believe in outing; even if he was talking to another gay man – even Kurt Hummel – he couldn't out someone like that. He didn't like Heaney or anything, but it was the principle of the matter.

Looking into Kurt's face, Jay was taken aback when he saw the man smiling knowingly at him. He understood. He knew. Jay swallowed and shrank back in his chair.

"It's alright," Kurt said gently. "You know, you and I are actually more alike than you think." Jay stared at him curiously and Kurt gave his husband a quick glance before leaning forward and turning back to Jay, his glasz orbs glinting in the otherwise sterile atmosphere.

As the man recounted the tale of his high school years, Jay was amazed at how similar their stories were, at least where the other men fit in. When Kurt had finished, Jay asked him, "So what happened? How did you two end up together? You said he changed and got attacked, but how did you come to fall in love? How could you love someone who…"

"Because he _did_ change," Kurt replied. "He changed and he did it for me. I finally understood why David did what he did and what it must have been like for him. We came to know each other and things changed between us. I remember one night in particular; it was our senior prom.

"I confronted him after he'd gotten out of the hospital and started avoiding me. We got into the real reasons why we couldn't avoid each other and he ended saying he'd wait for me. When Prom came around, I was basically at the end of my rope with my boyfriend at the time and my feelings for David had really blossomed.

"We spent most of the night talking in the corner, but when they announced the Prom royalty, something changed in him. I knew he was regretting what he did the previous year; he regretted walking out on me because he was afraid when I pushed him to come out. I was going to tell him it was Ok, but he grabbed my hand and led me to the center of the room.

"I was so embarrassed. The King and Queen were already on the dance floor having their dance and everyone just stopped and stared at us. The next thing I knew, we were dancing – just like that. In front of everyone. He wasn't looking around at any of them, just me. I could feel everyone staring, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him and then… he kissed me."

Jay's jaw dropped and he realized that his eyes were watering. It was the most romantic thing he'd ever heard. "That's amazing," he said in a whisper and cleared his throat. "But with all due respect, I don't think that has much to do with Brian and me. He'd never do anything like that – not that I would give him the chance."

"Why not?" Kurt asked and Jay found that he couldn't answer. "I know you said he bullied you, but you know better now don't you? You know why he did? He told you right?"

"How do you know?" Jay asked in astonishment. "I mean… I never said—"

"You didn't have to," Kurt replied gently. "It's written all over your face. And like I said, I've been where you are; we're not that different you and I. Brian certainly doesn't sound that different from Dave. He's young. Give him a chance. If I'm right about him, and I have a good feeling I am, then he'll come around. And who knows, you two could end up like Dave and I.

"After that night, everyone knew about us so there was no fighting it anymore; we started dating. Blaine backed off pretty easily, seeing that he and I were officially finished. It's strange, but we've actually stayed friends – we still are. We ended up parting ways. He went to California and signed a music contract with some of the Warblers and started performing right after high school. I found out that Dave was going to the University of Illinois and I changed my plans.

"Rachel went ahead to New York and, as I'm sure you already know, has gone on to become a star like we all knew she would. I found my own Broadway here in Chicago and have become successful in my own right, if I do say so myself. Anyway, Dave and I have been together for seven years now and we're happy. There's no reason you can't be happy too."

Jay looked at the man and then at his hands. He and Brian had been friends once. Before he came out in high school, they were actually pretty close. Was that Brian, who was so funny and down to earth still there underneath all of the homophobic hypocrisy? Could they really be together after all that's happened?

Just then, the conversation was interrupted by Dr. Walker coming over. He turned and addressed Kurt, saying, "Your husband's shoulder was sprained, but he'll be fine. A good rest and I'm sure he'll be healthy enough for the next game."

"It's a good thing that next week is a bye week then," Kurt said cheerfully as he got up. Jay watched him go over to his husband and exchange a kiss. As he walked out of the room after the doctor and the others, he turned back and waved at the couple, mouthing "thanks" to Kurt who nodded. David simply looked pleasantly confused.

Jay made his way back towards the opposite end of the ward, deciding to spend his last two hours of break seeing if there was anything more to Brian Heaney than a bullying meathead. Kurt Hummel's words rang in his head as he approached the still-open door to the room.

Heaney looked over from the television and stared as Jay entered. He couldn't read the expression on the jock's face, but it seemed to Jay that he might be ready to talk too. One thing he knew for sure was that he missed Brian, the old one that used to make his heart flutter with his booming laugh and infectious smile.

"So you were in love with me all this time," Jay more stated than asked.

Brian scoffed, but froze as Jay closed the door and sat on the end of the bed. He looked hard at him and Jay thought he might yell at him.

Instead, the jock fixed his gaze on Jay's eyes and said, "Yeah…"

**So… yeah, I know it's really out of left field, but what the heck: there it is! I really wanted to convey the fact that Dave and Kurt's story isn't as unique as it seems. People out there experience things like this too and we all have to remember that anything is possible when it comes to love. Alright, enough of my psycho-babble! I hope you all have enjoyed the series and I hope you continue to read my stories. Thank you for all of the support and I hope that I've made an impact with this series. Love you all! XOXO**

**~Jay**


End file.
